The journey

Part 7: You live, you learn.

Listening to that song from Alanis Morissette and thinking about the bizarre day I had today. Yes, in this life, i learned many things, especially this day. And as my stupid tarot says “Others spend their lifetime to experience what happens naturally to you”.

I learned to win a battle. I learned to lose a battle.
I learned to be proud. I learned to be intimidated.
I learned who to trust. I learn who not to trust.
I learned about truth. I learned about lies. I learned about empty promises. I learned about unspoken responsibility.
I learned brotherhood. I learned competitors. I learned novelty. I learned betrayal.
I learned how to stand up for myself. I learned how to stand up for others.
I learned who I am. I learned who I want to be. I learned how I’m gonna be that person.
I learned to let go. I learned to hold on.
I learned my values. I learned how I won’t compromise them.
I learned to keep my promises. I learned how to make others keep theirs.

I made a decision. I fixed a date, a time, a reason.
I made bad decisions in my life, way too many of them. But every time after a bad decision I learn, I grow. And eventually I evolve.
So I made up my mind. Nothing is gonna change me. Somehow fate by chance fix a date for me. And I’ll listen yo him this time.

The things I learned today is priceless. I just need to stop blaming myself for what others think of me. I just need to stop expecting more out of myself when others could not see me for what I’m trying so hard to achieve. Sometimes I just need to STOP.

So I live, and I learn. I laugh, and I learn. I cry, I learn. I fall, I learn…

Got this video link from a friend and I thought I share it with you guys. The singer is an amateur who has more than 500000 hits on Youtube. Pretty decent voice and good song composer. Josh Royse and “A thousand Reasons”

Part 6: Learning to see

Everyone with a pair of eyes can see. But do we see the world as it is?

Been experiencing some hard time at work. But I guess it’s more of the nature of the work and the nature of the people I have to deal with. We are a diverse group of people and not everyone has an IT background. Everyone has different interest and represent different things at different times.

I learned. And it’s the most important thing isn’t it? We all tumble through life with a lot of ups and downs. As long as we learn, does it matter how many times we fall?

I earned respect from the people around me. I can’t say I’m matured enough, because I’m not. But I’ve changed. I don’t flare up in people’s face any more. I know how to tactically move through conflict with a smile. Kokwei, my junior, was saying “It might be better there, but I don’t work with you anymore. I will be alone and no one will be watching my back”. My boss told him I’m a guy with vision. My client was happy with the work I did. I’m not sure how many people can say this about their work, but “It might suck sometimes, but I kick ass at what I’m doing”. LOL.

I learned to see from others’ perspective. Too often I get annoyed when people slow my pace down or makes life difficult for me. I learned that they also have people they need to report to and other priority. It’s the nature of their job. Nothing is personal in this world of business.

So I’m moving along. I keep my principles. I back up my friends. I protect my subordinate. I respect my seniors. And I’m learning to see things as they are.

Maybe it’s better that way?

P.S: I do think being a vegetarian helps in calming yourself down. You should try it sometimes

Part 5: Marriage

Took half day leave to go to Jean’s Registration of Marriage as her official photographer. For non-Singaporean, in Singapore, ROM is something like a prequel to the actual wedding banquet and party. This is where you sign the deal.

To tell the truth I was both really excited and scared at the same time. Excited because this is the first time I have the chance to have free models to take something important (and commercial) like wedding photos. Scared shitless because this is my first time and as a good friend I don’t want to fuck up my good friend’s wedding’s prequel. It’s a very special and intimate moment for her, her hubby and their family. So well, I did the best I could. The result, well, you be the judge ok (Uploading some to facebook. Got time will up to pacevolution.blogspot.com later).

As if it didn’t help, the weather was crazy. It rained the whole day and the sky was really cloudy. The whole outdoor areas are wet and gloomy. The indoor suite for registration is poorly lit with yellow tungsten lights. Lucky I brought my white balance sheet. So well, I’m not using these as an excuse, but I’m just saying for an inexperience semi-pro like me, it’s a really hard task.

Afterwards we went to this very nice Chinese seafood restaurant. It was a really nice cozy family lunch with a lot of good wishes and laughters.

To be frank with you, I was thinking of funny jokes about marriage the whole time. Contact me if you wanna hear a few. Funny guaranteed. But at the end of the day, I was jealous with Jean. She looks so happy, and whole. Wish I could be that happy and wholesome someday. But well she’s nice and kind. I’m just an asshole with big bad mouth. So I cant be jealous. LOL.

It’d be nice if someone can make you whole and happy. But in the end happiness is an inside job. So I’m happy right now. I’m happy with the people of my life. I’m glad I’m loved.

And I might not be a good photographer yet. But I’m heading there. I’m married and committed to my Arts. Oh and I’m doing a series of charcoal drawings and oil paintings. So stay tuned!!!

Somehow listened to this song by chance today. It was actually being played in my company’s restaurant a lot of times (because I gave it to them) but only today I noticed it. It’s been a while and somehow it stirs a lot of my emotions today. So I thought I write it down (although I had quoted this song like countless times). This is an emo-essay style so it’s gonna be long. Deal with it!

A little bit of background, I heard this song the first time when I was year 2 in NUS. It was the first original ending from the anime Bleach, back in the day it was still a nice and worth watching anime (these days it just sucks). Somehow the lyrics spoke to me and I downloaded it right away. I still keep that copy ever since. This is one of my most favourite songs of all times.

I was going through a really tough time in my year 2 (and 3). As a young kid who just left home to somewhere far I faced a lot of newly experienced things: betrayal, denial, cold-heartedness and sometimes my own self-delusion. And so somehow this song, with a lot of zen-like philosophy, was my spokeman at that time. Let me illustrate by the lyrics (Music you can get from me. I cant post here cos copyright, and the Youtube clip is so not nice).

“Nobody knows who I really am. I never felt this empty before”

Very often in my life I feel like I’m all alone, as if no one understand, and no one will. Maybe that has to do with being the eldest son. Maybe it got to do with my childhood. I just have trust issue with people. I don’t really show them who I am unless they get close enough. And the moment they see the true me they run away. So I guess it remains. No one knows who I really am. Beyond that facades of my flamboyant and strong front, I’m just a vulnerable, down to earth human. I’m not sure how many of the people I know see that.

“We are all rowing the boat of fate, The waves keep on coming and we can’t escape”

I’m sure you agree with this. Destiny is an excuse for the weak to whine. But it is true. We are fated in a lot of sense. In Christianity we talk about god’s plan. In Buddhism we talk about karma. Somehow things that happen in our lives are planned and coincidental. We didn’t want it to happen, it still will happen. I want it to happen, it still will not happen. The waves that bring us up and down in life, they never end.

“But if we ever get lost on our way. The waves would guide you through another day”
But everytime we fall, we get stronger. That’s human. I’m a different person from who I was 3 years back. A lot different. I was close to killing myself then. These days I am strong enough to stare at challenges in their face. Each wave in my life comes, I looked back at the last and smiled. I learned my lesson. And somehow when bad things happened, better things come. Success came even when I had to walk alone. US happened. My friends happened. So yes, the waves always guide me through another day. It maynot be a better day, but it’s another day I live and wait for a better day.

dooku de iki o shiteru toomei ni natta mitai.
kudayami ni omoe dakedo mekaku shisarete tadake

“Far away, I’m breathing, as if I were transparent
It would seem I was in the dark, but I was only blindfolded”

This is the Zen-like philosophy I was talking about. When I was in the dark, I realized there was no one that could help. All I needed was a moment of tranquility. I was scared and alone. I thought no one sees me. But it was just me, locking myself in the dark. That was when I found Buddhism. I was born into a Buddhist family but it was not much of an influence in my life until that moment. It was the ultimate realization so to speak for me. That Buddha does NOT plan my life and he will NOT save me. That Buddha does NOT just love me and he will NOT die for me. It’s me who needs to change. It’s me who needs to stand up and live. That was when I realized I’m a true Buddhist.

inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu, asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made

“I give a prayer as I wait for the new day, Shining vividly up to the edge of that sea”
Even my prayers changed. I used to pray for a lot of things for myself. These days each new day comes I pray for another. I learned my lesson. I learned that to live on is already the ultimate blessing. So every new day comes with a shining light of hope for a new beginning, for survival and revival

“Nobody knows who I really am. Maybe they just don’t give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along, I know you would follow me, and keep me strong”
Too much have been said. But I was glad I found true friends. There were dark times and I had people I could cling on to. I won’t name names because I can’t count all of them. At every phase of my life they appear to help me through and quietly they let me go set sail in my new adventures.

hito no kokoro wa utsuriyuku mukedashiteku naru
tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune o tsureteku

“People’s hearts change and sneak away from them
The moon in its new cycle leads the boats again”
Have it been 4 years already? I can hardly believe what I have been through. The people of my life has changed tremendously too. Sometimes I thought we were strangers, and then we became best friends. Sometimes I thought we are best of friends, we are eventually strangers. Sometimes I thought I was in love, I was all alone. Sometimes I thought I was all alone, that was when I found love. People’s hearts change (not in a surgical way but in an emo way). And to learn to live life as a boat that follows through with the circles, with ups and downs, and with the change in people riding with you, it’s the hope for a new shining moon. It’s the cycle of the moon and the boat itself are the very image of Japanese Zen influence.

“And every time I see your face, the ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon, I can see the shore

I want you to know who I really am. I never thought I’d feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along, I will follow you, and keep you strong”
I found the people in my life that could do this for me. I found the people whom I can turn to and find a dock to rest my tired soul to move on. I won’t be stopping yet, because life is still long with many other journeys. But I was glad I could stop in a calm loving place… Many times people do let me down, but I’m still that silly guy. I’m still the person that will stand by you, that will support you. All you have to do, is ask. I got angry with a lot of people in my life. I stood strongly by my opinion and my principles. But one thing they didn’t know, I treasured friendship even more than that. So sometimes, all you have to do is ask, and I’ll follow you, no matter how much you hurted me.

tabi wa mada tsuzuiteku odayakana hi mo
tsuki wa mata atarashii shuuki de ume o terashidasu

“And still the journey continues on quiet days as well
The moon in its new cycle shines on the boats again”
Life goes on with its new circles, on quiet and stormy days. I move on with my new chapters, on good and bad days. I’m not waiting for life to happen. I make it so.

Unmei no huneoko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to watashi-tachi o sou kedo
Sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne

“We are rowing the boat of fate, but the waves keep attacking us
But isn’t that still a wonderful journey? Aren’t any of them a wonderful journey?”
Because life is still a wonderful journey, and I don’t want to miss the boat. A lot of people told me to think carefully about what I say. A lot of them asked “Why say things you know you will regret?”. It’s because I want to live fr the “now”. I want to make the mistakes rather than spending my whole life wondering what if I had made that mistakes. Life is too short for second-guessing.
It does seem to me like each year my boat got a little upgraded and I got to experience bigger waves at the bigger oceans. It’s fine with me though. It’s all part of the process and I’m learning to appreciate it.
Life is an endless ocean, and I’m moving on. Care to join my boat?

Part 4: Happiness is a full-time job

It might sounds obvious, but the path to happiness is paved with unhappiness (LOL I wonder why I did not choose to be a philosopher. I could have been a brilliant one).

Anyway I had pretty much a, pardon me for the lack of better words, fucked up week. I was so determined to be fully happy and totally holy. By the afternoon of Thursday I already started swearing. XD. I did expect the first week after a long leave to be bad, but there were more ridiculous and weird things that could have been avoided. I just feel like I’m stuck. And for the lack of better expression, I shall borrow a lyric to tell how I feel “It feels like I’ being stuffed to a yellow truck packed with fertilizer and fuel oil, pushed to the cliff by a suicidal Mickey Mouse”.

I realized I took my religion for granted. I am a Buddhist when it’s convenient for me too. I prayed when my life is horrible. I eat vegetarian when I feel upset. This is the first time I tried to do something without asking for returns, and gosh it’s difficult. But I already ate vegetarian for a week now and so far it’s pretty alright. I shall try to cut down on the swearing but seriously it’s hard.

Life goes on with many twists and turns. I’m gonna be even busier next week with some free lance thingy to come. I just need to remember to leave my frustration at the door of work, and be happy and grateful to life.

I think I’ll be fine. Sorry, I mean I know I’ll be great. This path is difficult, but I’m known for overcoming challenges. So happiness, wait right there, I’m gonna go kick this unhappiness son of a fucking bitch’s ass for you. Shit and I just swear again. LOL.

Part 3: Live. Laugh. Love

I’m thankful I’m alive.

My colleague’s mother passed away yesterday. We all went to the wake. Personally I don’t want to go to wakes because I cant stand seeing people suffer. But I came because she’s a nice friend. As we walked around the cascade and I caught a glimpse of the deceased, I thought to myself “I’m thankful I’m alive”. Looking at the pain in her family, I wish there were something I could do. But we all can’t. Because it’s part of life. Life is short and fragile. So all I can do is being thankful that I’m alive. And while I’m at it, I want to do something about it, something great, something wonderful.

I’m thankful I can still laugh.

The first 3 days back at work has not been easy. There were a lot of challenges and things. But I’m thankful I went through them alright, with a positive and cheerful attitude. I’m not that fresh and afraid kid anymore. I’m someone with skill, with confidence, and with principles.

I went out to dinner with a few of my close colleagues. We laughed a lot. I haven’t been laughing like that in a long time. I’m thankful I still have them no matter how dark and stormy certain days at work are. I’m thankful I can laugh as truly as a child, without pretense, without fear.

I’m thankful I can still love (and be loved).

Received a lot of emails from my family and relatives. A lot of praises for how I made my family trip happened (some say I look better being fat with short hair). I have friends that would go extra length to help me do things. I have been let down a lot of times in my life before. There were times when I thought I’m incapable of loving anyone anymore. I was wrong. I’m surrounded by love and support. And I love the people of my life, whether they are an ocean apart or half the world apart.

So I’m truly truly thankful. I still can Live, Laugh and Love.

Part 2: Don’t worry. Be happy.

First day back at work was … well… predictable. There were stuffs piling over my email and my desk. There are so many things unsettled. And the people, well, you cant expect them to change in 1 week, right?

But I tried to be the most positive I could. Every time annoyance and irritation hit I told myself to calm down. Guess what, I actually did have a good day. I settled so many shit like you can never imagine. I kicked ass in a 2 hours long meeting that I only knew of 3 hours beforehand.

“In this life you got some troubles, when you worry you make it double”. It’s really true. It’s not like I bitch about it the whole day I’ll get paid more or I’ll be appreaciated for what I did. I just need to do the best work I can to satisfy my hunger for growth and for learning. Before changing the environment, I decided to change myself to the best I could first. I will make use of the time I have left to the fullest, and whether or not the point when I outgrown the place I’m in come, I’ll enjoy every moment of now.

I definitely have grown professionally. I know where I stand and what I’m capable of now. I can even prove what I’m worthy of and I deserve, which I had never had the courage to do before. So well, I’m proud of it.

Today was definitely a good day. I woke up early. I meditated. I came to work early. I did a lot of work. I came home slightly late but I was not tired. I ate vegetarian food the whole day (except for one tiny chicken wing which my friend offered and I forgot). I ironed my clothes for the week. I’m designing a web page for a friend. I’m so proud of myself.

So well, let me try to live life without worry. Let me try to live life being happy.

Part 1: The turn

I’ve been thinking (normally it’s a bad sign). And I sort of made a decision for the next few months.

When I was waiting at the airport and my parents haven’t called, I prayed. I’m not much of a man of prayers, but I did pray. I prayed for my parents to be here safely, to have a very good trip and to return home safely. I know I was not supposed to ask Buddha for stuffs, but as long as it’s from love and kindness, I’m sure he doesn’t mind helping out a little. Lol.

I decided to switch back to vegetarian. It was a little difficult today, but I got through it alright. Normally when I eat vegetarian is that I’m feeling unwell or uneasy. Not this time. This time I just wanted to do something to become a better person. After all Buddhists are not supposed to kill.

Normally I will only turn to Buddha or religion when I had some big drama or I want to kill myself. Not this time. I realized I was silly to just remember who I am when I’m faced by crisis of identity. This time I want to be a better Buddhist, a better person because I’m happy and I want to appreciate the path that I’m taking in the guidance of my great (mortal) teacher.

Who can believe it’s already been 5 years since I left home. With my weird personality and flamboyant nature, I naturally got into bigass dramas. I got depressed once in a while. There were moments in my life I thought of killing myself. But I got through it all. Every time I got through one thing I became stronger and better things happen. Family happened. Best friends happened. NOC happened. Wavelink happened. They all happened for a reason, cause and effect, of how I lived and how I treated people. So I’m grateful I’m where I am today. I’m grateful I’m alive, happy, and loved.

What else worths celebrating more than that? Since I’m a Buddhist I shall celebrate that by being a better Buddhist. No more killing, no more lying (will limit on the swearing but no promise), no more alcohol (this would help the belly too. I’m 76 kg now. lol), no stealing and no affairs with people’s wives (fiances maybe. J/k). I’m gonna let go of things that is and people that were.

So this is the path I’m gonna take. This journey of my life is gonna be long (unless I got hit by a car). I’m gonna follow the path the leads me to righteousness and happiness.

Part 9: Perfect family holiday

My family left Singapore today to go back to Vietnam. Well, I’m not exactly sad about it, although I will miss them dearly. We had a really wonderful time here, why be sad about it? There were hiccups here and there, but they enjoyed it and we went a lot of places. They shopped until the luggage is way over the limit and hence I had to carry like 10kg of excess luggage home. Lucky I brought my backpack.

We went a lot of places (hell a lot, I tell ya). We did a lot of cool things. We bought a lot of nice stuffs (for them, who have never really experienced branded-high quality kinda stuffs. In Vietnam we have these stuffs, but we didn’t have enough money to buy back then).

Day 1: Arrival. Vivo City. Orchard Road
Day 2: Mustafa (Indian Huge Department Store). China Town. Singapore Flyer.
Day 3: Zoo. Night Safari
Day 4: Bugis. Company Visit. Suntec-Esplanade
Day 5: Malaysia - Genting: Entertainment - shopping - casino
Day 6-7: Malaysia - KL: Capital. We walk from Menara (350m+ tower) to Twin Towers to Bintang, then China Town, Central Market, Mosque, National Museum
Day 8: My graduation. Ikea trip. Dinner with my best friends.
Day 9: Singapore river walk. Dim sum lunch with Roger. Indian dinner with my landlord.

Seems impossible with 2 elders and a kid. Lol. That’s the kind of family that we are. We chiong all the way. And I got to bag some cool stuffs. I realized I visit 3 of the tallest towers in the world. I’ve been to the tallest (CN Tower Canada), the third tallest (Shanghai gigantic dildo), and the fourth tallest (Menara Malaysia). I learned a few common Malay words. I scored my 7th country. I took beautiful pictures (If you got facebook you can see’em all there). I went to my graduation in a T shirt (with fake color) while standing among all the white shirts black ties scholars. “If I have to graduate from this damn school, I might as well do it with STYLE”. After all NUS always promote the idea of standing out from the crowd. I did just that. Lol.

And I guess the trip was wonderful not only because of the things we do, it’s because of the time we had, together. I got to do what should have been done long ago. I bought them cool things, nice things, pretty things, things that they love. I take them to see things that they didn’t get to see while busy raising us kids up. I got to see their laughter and their smiles. And as corny and cliche as it might sounds, all that was enough.

So I’m not sad that they left. I’m happy that they came. I’m happy I still have them. I’m happy they are still young, and healthy, so I can still take them to more places, let them see even better things. I’m happy I live long enough and grow up enough to do the things I want to do for the people I love.

I’m ready to run now. There are so many more things waiting for me ahead. There are so many challenges I need to overcome. There are many more lives I need to touch and make better. I don’t know how I can do it. But I will do it.

Because life can never be perfect. Doesn’t mean I should not try to make it so Live. Be strong my friends. For every challenge that you’ve overcome in your life. It’s moments like these that will make you feel like it all worths it.

I shall close this chapter with this happy note, here.

Part 8: A few good men

“Good son!” my boss told my parents, with his thumb upward.

It’s been a tough few days. I’ve been trying to squeeze in as many activities and places as I can. And my parents really enjoyed it. Of course they loved shopping in Singapore. Who doesn’t (as long as they have a few thousands to spare). I tried to pay for them as much as I could. They also paid a bit by themselves.

I took them to the zoo and night safari. Personally I’m not much of a wild animal person (a godlen retriever or a wolfdog will do it for me). But my bro loves them and since Singapore is famous for clean and nice zoo I might as well. They loved the experience.

We just went Malaysia (Genting - KL). I made them walk the entire freaking KL capital on foot. But we got to see a lot more things. I got lost for 5 mins but it was part of the experience I guess. I was really glad they had a good time.

I think I’m a good tour guide (or maybe Google is a good tour guide). We got to do and visit lots and lots of things in a shoestring budget (we spent $250 Sing and only $590 Sing dollas on 2 nights decent hotels near city center and a first class coach with leg rest and shit). And tell you I won’t be a tour guide because it’s like accommodating 1 lady who loves to shop, 1 kid who likes toys and 1 grumpy daddy is like…lol. You go figure. But they all were relatively satisfied so I have nothing to complain.

All of a sudden I realized I transformed from this selfish, arrogant, aggressive and childish kid to a mature, caring and thoughtful man. Lol. I think will last for a few days only, but I was proud of it and I’m not ashamed to announce it to the world. I took care of my family at my age. 3 of them have never been out of the nation and don’t speak English and I got them to 2 countries in 1 week, happy. So I’m proud and no one can take that away from me. I take charge and I’m ready to take charge. And I guess my parents need to see that. I guess they were happy to see that. They need to know that I can be ok on my own and I can soon take care of them.

I’m proud and I thought I need to put these thoughts down. I’m not a perfect man. Perfectly flawed I sure am. But now I know I’m a good man (which I needed to know, ok. I’m constantly in doubt with myself).

So, oh well, they are leaving soon. I’m gonna miss them. But I need to be stronger. Time to be stronger. For a better life for me. For a better life for them.

Part 7: Life takes Changes

Sound like a VISA ads campaign, but it’s true. Life changes. We change. Evolution and Revolution happen. There’s no escaping it.

The people that we talked to changed. The people that we laughed with changed. The people that we cried with changed. The people that we shared our deepest secrets changed. The people that we love, changed.

Family is coming tomorrow. It’s a nice warm reminder of how beautiful life is, to be loved and cared for.

Dad’s tumor is still there. I’m worried of course. He will have his operation after the trip. They said it was not cancer, but since it is in his neck, it can be a dangerous operation. People get old and their health changes, I know. But I’m not ready to see Dad sick. I haven’t done enough for him yet.

I cant imagine how tall my brother is now. Mom said he’s already taller than 1.50m. He sounds so excited over the phone. It’s a whole new world for someone so young. When I was 12 the furthest I thought of was from my house to my seaside town. And that was my “whole world”

Q knitted me a handphone pouch. There’s this thing about this particular girl (hope all my other gal friends are not jealous) that when she does something for me, it made me feel all warm and small. As if the big stormy guy with all the rage is non-existent. It’s either a calligraphy, a handmade card, or a letter, they never failed to make my days a little better. Jean said to her own surprise “I’m glad you had somebody to love, since you always sound so…unsentimental and cold”.

I went out for a business meeting with Terence. Behind the childish, grumpy front that he puts up, he’s actually very human. Respectable and relatable. Still don’t wanna be him, but I look up to him as always.

I wanted to tell my best friend that I had a job offer, that I’m scared shitless that my dad might be sick, that I’m terrified at the idea of being alone. I want to say how much I miss splitting fishballs, eating durians and bitching about how ridiculous this fucked up world is. But I close the window I open MSN. Time to let it go. We all change. Time to grow up.

And thank you Larry for being my listening ears these days. Sorry for all the troubles you went through to get my stuffs.

I always allow myself to be a little vulnerable before I need to be strong. My world isn’t perfect. However, in the next 9 days, I’ll have to show how perfect it is to my parents. It’s not perfectly ethical. It’s not perfectly truthful. It’s something we all call…

….Love.

Part 6: Live now. Live later.

Been having a good few days. I guess I was just incredibly happy that my parents are coming over I didn’t even let any one bring me down.

Had my hair cut on Sunday, so that mom would like it and I would look good in pictures. Well I know I’d look good anyway but I’d rather look the best I can be.

Planned my tour on Monday. Then had Dharma class. It was insightful as usual.

Literally floating on Tuesday. Finished quite a bit of job and didn’t realize how fast I was. I guess being happy does make your efficiency increase. Had my designation change to IT Project Executive, since it reflects what I do these days. IT Projects. Not the best to my liking, but at least I’m doing well at it.

Kinda insanely busy today. Once again proved my superb service by solving 4 accounts a day. Taught Kok Wei programming in AJAX. Had 2 business meetings. Helped users as an IT consultant. Nailed a $24′000 deal. Had another client called me up for a meeting tomorrow for a corporate brochure design and a web design. Fix some bugs. LOL they don’t pay me enough. :p

Talking about bonuses and pays during lunch, though jokingly, kinda made me think a little. I mean said a lot of time the numbers don’t matter that much (I know, how dumb). It’s just it shows how much I am valued at and how much I am being appreciated. Being an idealist as I am, at the same time I’m an attention whore. I just want my hard work (and very often excellent work) to be recognized and appreciated. Maybe that’s too much to ask for.

I got a job offer from a friend’s friend’s friend on facebook. The guy looked at facebook looked at my profile, and then my web portfolio (Kids, if you want to go into media field, get a website, $80 a year can bring you pretty far. This is the 2nd time I got a job offer while I’m working full-time and not looking). I’m really flattered people are looking at my work and my profile for what they are, and what I am really good at.

1 more day till my family is here. The true meaning of family.

I guess it’s time I take a break, indulge myself in love and care, enjoy traveling. And then, after that, I’ll be ready to kick ass, to change the world, to once again become the tireless workaholic idealist that always strives forward! Like an eagle, isn’t necessarily always surrounded by people, but I’m flying high.

I’m gonna live happy now. I’m gonna live fully later.

Part 5: Saturday fun

I cant remember the last time I had this much fun.

It was not a typical Saturday. In a sense that I didn’t spend the whole day at home doing housework and stupid things. Also in a sense that I didn’t go out but stay inside an aircon mall with fancy restaurant and shit.

In the morning we went to the beach. It was just me and 3 female colleagues. I was kinda disappointed at first cos we asked a lot of people but they all didn’t come. But oh well, turned out it’s so much fun with just the 4 of us. We had a real nice picnic lunch. Then we were chasing, fighting, drowning each other in the sea. I got to swim a little too. I mean, for someone who grew up by the sea, it was almost a year since i last tasted seawater. I definitely miss it.

We spent our afternoon in a cafe. Man I was sunburnt so bad. But it was so fun. I laughed like really so much my stomach was hurting. And I realized I got fat. I can barely fit in my swim shorts. Guess time for new ones. Lol no money leh, how?

After coming back I went to eat dinner with Alvin. Was kinda in a rush because I wanted to collect my graduation gown and then go for the concert. The stupid queue was so long so we were 25 minutes late for the concert. It’s been almost forever since I last WENT for a concert (not organizing, not performing) kind.

Well, as a friend supporting a friend, I would say I enjoyed the show. I applauded their effort to put the songs together well in the theme of “Reminiscence”. The costume and choreographer are well-thought out. But as a performer who sang A Capella myself and a stage person, I would say there are much to be improved. I’m a fan of Resonance and this is definitely NOT one of their good performances. First of all their stage directions, stage sounds and lights could have been improved. The MC could have been less dead and could have skipped his “I’m trying to speak perfect English” accent and his “I’m trying to be cool” attitude. Most soloists are (sorry to use this phrase) not up to standard. Not to mention the occasional off-keys, sometimes they are too nervous their voice is like cracking all the way. That doesn’t count countless time the voice got drown down by the drumbeat and the background sounds. There are certain really good pieces I enjoyed (as they are sang by the really senior senior Reso people) like “Blame it on the boogie” or “Out of my life” or “Ms Independent”. The rest of it just kinda fell flat. One last thing to complain. They sort of use this projector (which is damn expensive to rent) to show this “video” which doesn’t make a point, too slow with bad direction, until the audience was laughing and making jokes. All in all I give them 3.5 stars for entertainment value; 3 stars for vocal; and 2 for stage management. I’m a harsh audience, I’m sorry about that. And funny thing is my friend wasn’t there. So I guess my noble thought was a joke to fate itself.

Anyway I enjoyed today every much. It was fun and just fun. You know there are times when I stopped and looked around, I tend to compare. That’s where I got stress and all worked up. I felt like my life is small compared to others, and I deserved better. But then again who do we compare to? I’m not that Harvard guy. I’m not that Microsoft guy. I’m not someone with scholarship and 6 years bond. I am who I am. As I am I came this far in the life that I would want to go. So I’m big in my own way. I met my very old friends at concert and he said “So you are doing what you are good at”, which is true. I was upset just because I’m doing what I’m good at but I didn’t have a chance to prove to others.

I’m the guy that live in the now. I’m the guy that strike forward without stopping. I’m the guy that doesn’t mind loneliness as long as I’m moving forward.

And that’s who I am gonna be.

Part 4: Perfect Day

It’s so cliche, but it’s true “There’s a rainbow after every storm”

I was happy at work these 2 days. Well Thursday doesn’t really count as work because I was in a training course. But I was happy I got to practiced things that I learn and something new.

Did this DISC training. It’s a personality test and guess what I’m a D.I. personality (Dominant, Direct and Influential, Inspiring). People with D level as high as me is like 5% of human population. Lol. I absolutely love being unique, as in weird. It was a fun learning experience. It took my mind off a lot of things.

During the breaks I gracefully moved through the crowd, passing out my business card, promoting my company and what I do. That’s what I only get to do in the US (Here I mostly stare at my computer and program or design). I love being an entrepreneur, taking charge and all. So after that I emailed Elise to thank her for what she taught me. I may never be humble, but I know where I came from and I’m very down to earth in this sense.

Today is a great day. Not good, great. I got to do what I like, what I’m good at, and what I want to do in ONE day. I designed and learned some new techniques in the morning. I had IT meeting in the afternoon. I had welfare committee meeting later on. And I kicked ass at the end of the day.

First design. I’m finishing up things and errors seem to be disappearing. So it’s a GREAT sign. Finally my things can go to launch. I know things can get draggy at times, and I hate it, but since it’s Friday, I shall rest and let others rest a while.

IT meeting. I proved my expertise once again. I’m proud to be a 23 year old kid talking to a very experienced and wise IT consultant and still can carry on a conversation with him. At least he’s not super smart like Roy. But I proved myself. My client’s manager seems happy too. She’s willing to pay more for the time and the service I’m providing. So at least I’m making my time and effort worthwhile. What made me happy the most is the fact that my boss went up to talk to our chairman to appeal about my case. My boss is not the Elise case, always sharing and talking, but at least it’s comforting to know he’s standing up for his staff and company.

Lastly, I talked to my colleagues and my boss. Resolved a lot of conflict issue with my colleague, let her know where I stand. Then I went straight to my boss, with an agenda of course. I told him the way we are doing business is not sustainable, and personally it does not suit my style. I want change. I want to improve things. To my surprise he was very very supportive. He told me it will be hard, but he know I’m fearless (which I am). So we had a really really positive and fruitful discussion. Of course there will be a lot of things to do. But I’m ready for it. I also talked to my subordinate and taught him a few things. I don’t know much, but I teach him what I can. I want people to grow with me too.

Then I had dinner with Jean. I talked too much as usual. But we had a lot of laughs. She’s kinda stressed out so I was making funny jokes all the way. She’s one of the few women I respect. So well, more on her later.

I came home to call mommy. 74 minutes on the VOIP phone. She’s excited she’s coming over next week. I’m so excited too. I cant wait to see my family. I cant wait to make them laugh. Dad is so funny. He doesn’t want to spend my money so he forced Mom to go change Sing dollars with his salary. Of course I’ll discreetly pay for everything still. The money can go to my brother English lessons.

Then I talked to my friend in the US. Always love chatting with them. Guess what, I have more Abercrombie and Guess shirts coming from the US. Happified. I know for a Buddhist I’m terribly materialistic and superficial and cliche. But hey, I haven’t shopped in a really really long time. And if you can get a shirt at 50 bucks when it’s 200 bucks here, why not? And I really love these things. So shut up ok. I worked hard. I deserve to be rewarded.

So today is really a happy day. Happy Happy!!! Tomorrow will be even happier. I’m going for a beach picnic and then a night A Capella concert. Happy happy!!!

There’s a rainbow after every storm.

Part 3: On days like these

There are perfect days, like the one when I was 5 and my grandma was lying next to me, and I read her Buddhist books and she touched my head with this perfect motherly smile.

And there are perfectly fucked up days, like today. I won’t go into details because there were so many of them that in the end I was this close | | to lose my sanity (not virginity, I lost that one for quite some time). The funny thing is I cant even remember why I was so mad. I was crazy, in rage, terribly terrorizing that I yelled at 2 colleagues (for the reason I also forgot). I was seriously discourage, disappointed, distress and even delusion at a point of time. I was totally fucked.

That was when I realized how incredibly lucky I am. There are good friends who stood by me, good colleagues who gave me things to cheer me up. I looked around and I saw support, not obstacles. I picked up the phone and I solved my problems, one by one, to remind myself of my capability and that there is NOTHING that is IMPOSSIBLE.

I did this thing for my colleagues, who didn’t even notice it. And it shall remain that way. I told her I would not do it, because I didn’t want to be taken for granted. It was a difficult thing to do, really. But I did it anyway. Because that is who I am. I’m gonna help as much as I can. I’m gonna provide the best quality job I can, no matter how lousy I am being rewarded or appreciated. I finished it. Although the attention whore in me wanted to come up to them and say “Hey, I did it!”. I decided I shall keep a smile for myself. Knowing I can achieve it is good enough.

Organizing 2 gatherings for 2 groups of friends. And although there was this typical “Sorry I cant turn up” lame ass excuses, I was happy I did it. It mean I didn’t change so much. I still want to see my friends and I still am this eternally hopeful and idealistic guy.

Going for a concert this Sat. Mostly because I love A Capella (I miss singing dearly, but it was a good thing I quited. I cant really sing anyway). But also because I want to support a friend. It’s just my silly way of being there. When you are reminded of the gift that someone has given you in your life, no matter how far apart you seem to have drifted and no matter how long you have yet to meet; you just want to be standing there, at the sideline, to show discreetly that you care. And I do.

Finally booked my Malaysia tickets for me and my parents. So glad they are coming. I hope they will have the first best trips of their life (and many more to come of course). I was so totally broke but I swiped my card with a smile. That was the single moment of today that I just feel this pure rush of joy ran through me. I was proud of myself, because for the first time, I’m no longer that weak crying baby boy. I’m a grown responsible man. (OK I know it’s totally overly melodramatically gay, but hey, how much did you do for your parents when you were 23? So STFU)

I’m so glad my Dharma teacher (a monk) is back in town. I was so close to insanity that if it wasn’t for him who reminded me of the Buddha’s teachings, I would have just like…kill someone. I was reminded of what it means to be a Buddhist and how it is like to look at the truth. I just have to keep reminding myself, then, to be a better person, and a better Buddhist.

I’m gonna close this another lengthly post with a quote from my favourite song “Days like these”. Basically it means thanks to fucked up days like these that I grow and I become the happy and loved person that I am. So thank you.

“On days like these, made the young man grows, bend his back against the promises that life cant hold. They can make him wise. They can drive him to his knees. Nothing comes for free. On days like these”

Part 2: Hurt

Sometimes when you go through life, you realize it’s a process to hurt people, and get hurt. In the process of not getting hurt, you hurt people. In the process of being hurt, you hurt more people. There’s nothing you can do about it. All you can do is to grow from hurt, and move on with your life. All you can do is minimize the hurt you can give, so that you can grow.

I’ve changed. I became someone I was not. But it’s in the process. I’m stronger and more independent now. No one can bring me down, except for myself. And it’s all thanks to the process of being hurt.

Human has this strong instinct of protecting themselves. I would agree with you that I’ve grown incredibly tougher and yet incredibly more bitter, harsh and selfish in my life. I’m not proud of it, but I’m accepting it, as part of the process. In the time of feeling all alone I developed my instinct to protect myself.

The truth about hurt is that, in order to stop getting hurt, you have to face the truth. Sure living in some delusions or with a lie works as a painkiller. It pains less. But the pain is there, and it works its way up to your heart everyday, hardening it, make it numb.

This is not exactly the perfectly happy post I promised (deal with it!), but my point is, I’m happy with my life now. I’m happy to be who I am, no matter how changed I am. I’m happy with the events and the people in my life now, no matter how cold and irritating they are sometimes. Was I hurt. Yes. Am I hurting some people. Yes. But there’s only one thing I can tell myself

Deal with it!

Part 1: There’s no such thing as a perfect Monday

You know what I realize on Sunday when I was cleaning my room? Beside the fact that my supposedly citrus cleaning liquid smells like sperm (don’t ask me how I know what sperms smell like, you REALLY don’t want to know); I realized that being ordinary is actually fun. You don’t need to think about saving the world, or changing it, or making it the better place. In fact, when you stop caring, the world seems so much smaller, cozier, and a little bit brighter.

I came to work this morning actually happy. I was so determined to have a perfect Monday without all the Monday blue drama. Well, some certain short bitch had to ruin it for me. That’s when I realized there’s no such thing as a perfect Monday. Why should it be? I mean look at the sky, without a little messy cloud, a little dirt, it would be so much less beautiful. It’s the weird and stupid days like these that makes life so much happier in true happy moments.

I went out steamboat with Jean and her friends. Her friend whom I met for the first time got a little shock. I mean, they never seen guys from Vietnam that talks so much (and so much nonsense) before. And I don’t pretend. Jean said that’s why she likes hanging out with me, because regardless of what I’ve done in my life and how much I achieved, I’m still as much a down to earth person as anyone.

I guess it’s simply because I’ve been there. I knew how it feels like to be looked down upon, to be belittled. So no matter how high and how far I reach in my life, I will still eat with my mouth open, tells fat jokes, and flirt with the 55 year old cleaning lady of the building. It’s just me. I don’t believe in pretending someone you are not to move forward in your life. I just don’t.

I’m so high today thinking of the fact my family is coming over. Only less than 14 days left. I’m actually happy to see them. I got zoo tickets and safari tickets and flyer tickets for them. Gonna book Malaysia trip tickets soon too. It’s strange. As much as I thought I’m used to being lonely, I actually was happy to know there is family coming

So yes, I’m gonna give a short at being positive for a while (I know I always fail half way but hey, cant blame a boy for keeping trying). I wanna use the time I have left in this job, this country, this life to be happy. So oh well, just have to look at facts the way they are, treat bitches the way they deserve, and have fun.

We are having this self-organized picnic at the beach this Sat. And tell you what I’m gonna wear my tight fitting shirt and surf shorts (even if I’m 76 kg as of yesterday). Gotta have fun while you are still young. Right? Right?

Because there is no such thing as a perfect day, we might as well get as close to it as we can.

And I realized, as long as you live, as long as you have done something you can be proud of, life is already worth living for.

Part 7: As a matter of fact.

As a matter of fact, there is no fact. All of which that are in life is an illusion, a string of attachments we deluded ourselves into believing to be fact.

Had a bumpy week. I really miss that feeling of waking up in the morning with enthusiasm and a heart full of ideals, wishing I’ll change the world today. That’s not easy, because to change the world, you need a lot of strength, and courage. But the 2 is not enough, you need power. That’s why Superman is forever alone and Lex Luther always win.

Tired of myself. In the search for greatness, I fell prey for the fault delusion of the promise of greatness. In the search for excellence, I became a base to be taken for granted. I could have fought using contracts and papers, but I asked myself “What for? Does it really matter?”. In the search for fairness, I became unkind. The only thing that is left, is the knowledge that I learned, and the fact about the world in my own version, which no one will take away from me.

I realize I don’t really have faith in anything. But then again can one keep believing in someone who never kept their promise before? I think that’s why I’m a Buddhist. Buddha don’t promise anything.

2 of my friends were sick. One today and one last week. I myself feel like getting sick (but I refrain myself not to because medical expenses are too much here and my company HR took more than 2 weeks already to issue my medical insurance card). I think when people get sick they tend to feel lonely, and panic. I was really worried for them.

Feel exhausted. At any point of my life, no matter how fucked up that was, I always had someone to talk to. When I was a kid I had my sister. When I was in NUS I used to have Kelly. When I was in the US I have JE. These days I just feel so alone. I tend to bitch to Alvin about things but these days he seems busy, distant, and happy. There’s no point in sharing unhappiness, is it?

Focusing on planning my parents trip to Singapore. I owe it to them to make them happy. I still don’t know how I came this far, but I did, and I don’t intend to disappoint them, ever. We have a kinda strange relationship. I never told them how fucked up life really is. And they are simple enough to believe everything in my life always go perfectly fine as I speak in the phone.

Spent my weekend entirely running errands, washing clothes, ironing clothes, cleaning house, etc. Life of a bachelor, what to do?

As a matter of fact, I’m not as simple and happy as most people. As a matter of fact, my parents believe I’m simple and happy as most people. As a matter of fact, I love what I am doing but I’m tired of how people are looking at what I’m doing. As a matter of fact, I’m not kind, not generous, not that funny at all.

As a matter of fact, I’m not a superhero.

Part 6: More questions unanswered

- Can you keep asking people to have faith when you have never kept your promise before?

- Can one keep on dedicating his life for something he knows can’t be changed?

- Can someone stop himself from moving on for the sake of the people he loves? If he left, does it make him cold, selfish and disloyal? If that same person left his family to another country to pursuit stay, does that make him a hypocrite?

- Can someone so strong be belittled so often?

- Can someone that is so eager to learn, to teach and to excel satisfy himself as a mundane worker?

- Can someone reach for the sky, for originality when he cant put bread in his mouth and cant take care of his family?

- Can someone so fun and so free be so stiff and so controlled?

- Can someone so straightforwards deal with lies?

- Can someone who always aim for the highest quality cope with the lowest price?

- Can someone who has so many questions unanswered make an informed decision?

Don’t ask me who am I asking. Also, don’t ask me to give you the answers to what I want and what I think, when you never give me a clue of what you want and what you think. I’m not stupid.

Maybe I’m thinking too much. Maybe words do have the power to sway me back and forth from my decision. Maybe change is not that easy.

Maybe I’m just fucked.

Part 5: Random thoughts

Today my colleague said “You are very scary. You worked too fast”. I guess the nature of Pace does have a benefit. However, the bad side of this is, because of my ability to process too many things at the same times, I tend to think too much.

I caught up with my NUS friends on Saturday for about 10 hours (the whole day). It was really fun seeing them again. We compared notes about how life has been. For a fact, when we compare about our work, I felt left behind. It’s not just the matter of number appear in our payroll (in which account I’m grossly pathetically behind. Really, my friend screamed “You are kidding right?”), it’s the matter of how far we have moved on with our life as the person we wished to be. It surprised me, because as a person who always strike forward and go beyond, it’s so easy how I gave up on being that ONE PERSON I wanted to be.

Enough has been said. I made my plan and I’ll stick to it. If you cant change the environment you are in, change the environment you are in. If you cant change the world, at least don’t let the world change you.

I’m glad for the one simple fact that I am still who I am. I never compromise the quality of my work no matter how unfair or tired or frustrated I felt. In fact, I tend to go beyond and provide extra stuffs. I’m glad to never be afraid of the title or the label people put on me. I’m still striving forward.

My family is coming over in 18 days. As a small town boy from Vietnam, I came pretty far. My parents are anxious to get out of the country for a change. I made it happen. And I’m proud of myself for making it. 5 years of being on my own, I finally can repay the love and the care my parents have given me. I sometimes wished life could have been easier on me, being a rich kid and all and don’t have to struggle so much for every damn thing that I earn and deserve to have. But not for moment I regret it for living the life I did. I’m stronger because I was weak. And it’s really corny and cliche, but I’m richer because I was poor.

After that I will go full force on making changes at my job. If it’s futile to hit a wall with your head, I’ll hit it with a tank of determination. I deserve better. I know it and I believe my employer is smart enough to see it. If not, I just have to accept the fact that I outgrown the space that is allowed for me, and move on to a bigger space.

Because it’s the nature of me. I seek the meaning of life beyond what people said it should be.

Part 4: Strike back

This is it. I had enough. No more moaning, no more waiting for life to happen, no more doing EXACTLY what people said.

NO, I’m NOT quitting my job. I’m CHANGING it. I typed a proposal at 4am in the morning. I’ll bring change to my company. If Obama can be black and would be president. I can be me, this Vietnamese guy, and can bring change to this company with a deep route of rigidness. AND I’M DOING IT.

I’m gonna be strong. I’m not gonna be ignored. I’m not gonna back down. At every step of the way, people are gonna have to choose. Either they do it MY WAY, or they cant have me at all. Yes, I’m an entrepreneur. I bring change. And YES, I don’t care what the fuck you think, I’m THAT GOOD!

I’m not a quitter. I won’t quit and run away, hoping to find better thing. But I’m not an idler. I won’t sit around my whole life waiting for things to “just happen”. So this is it, your favorite hero is striking back. And I’m telling you I’M KICKING ASS THIS TIME.

P/S1: I want to thank a very special person in my life who has inspired me to do this, to make it happen. Thank you for caring for me the way you do. Thank you for still keep reading this blog even in its darkest time. Thank you for just being there when the world has left. You made me so determined to be happy and to be myself. I’m doing this for me, but I’m doing this because of you.

P/S2: Just for your fun reference, this is the end of the proposal I had to myself

“ What I have to do

If you have to talk to Chairman you will have to talk to Chairman. If you have to present to Board of Director you will do it the UPenn entrepreneurs’ way. If you are being ignored you will knock on Manager’s door every single day to make it happen. If you cant make it all happen then YOU QUIT.

Deadlines:
- 31st July 2008: It’s either a full and well-prepared version of this proposal is on Manager’s table, has already been read by him, or your resignation letter on the table.
- 31st August 2008. It’s either this proposal is being in discussion, or your resignation letter on the table.
- 30th November 2008. It’s either this is being executed, or your resignation letter on the table.
- 28th Feb 2009. It’s either this is being presented to Board of Directors, or your resignation letter on the table. YOU WILL BE 24 THEN. DON’T WASTE YOUR LIFE WAITING.
- 30th April 2009. It will be a reality, or you are already at your new job typing a new proposal.”

Part 3: Questions

I don’t have an answer for you. I only have questions.

Why do we laugh when we actually feel like crying?

Do we love someone so much it hurts and we are too scared to hurt someone we love?

Can we live with loneliness, really?

Why do we just get deeper and deeper into attachment when all we want is to get out?

Why do people not keep their promises?

Why is it that forgiveness seems so impossible?

Why are we so in love and yet so incredibly alone?

Why are we surrounded by people and we feel like a ghost floating in an empty heavy earthly shell?

Can we really let someone down?

Do we choose between staying and make people happy or leaving and make ourselves happy?

What is the price for talents?

In a day. I was surprised. I was betrayed. I had fun. I felt like crying while having fun. I was trusted by a friend, a subordinate while I wish I could just leave and let him struggle with the job alone. I took on another commitment when I just felt like running away. I smiled. I laughed. I said kind words. I said nasty things. I tried to forgive. I tried to forget. I tried to open up my heart. I tried to offer my hands. I tried and tried.

Cant we have it all? Because it seems like, in the effort of striving for excellence, I ended up having nothing. And no one.

It’s such a sad sad thing….

Part 2: Identity Crisis

No matter what kind of hero we are, flying across the sky, we all have an identity to be used during the light of day. Whether it is a famous playboy of Gotham or a nerdy journalist of Metropolis, the cover is the same, worldly, materialistic, boring, ordinary and sometimes unnoticeable.

I had a hell week. And no matter how strong I thought I was, I was beaten up in a rather bad shape. There are things that people told me that either pissed me off, or freaked me out.

A technician after seeing my business card asked “Why does your card say Web Developer and you do IT?” I didn’t have an answer for him, because really, I’m just doing the shit without any recognition.

Alvin asked me after seeing a design for an email blast ads “Who designed that ad? Doesn’t look like yours at all”. I agree. And to me it’s a crisis. I’m a designer. I have my style, my principles, and trends. I let all that go just to rush things out of the door. I have a design identity crisis.

I’m tired and bitchy all week. Just like Superheroes power, design is my only strength. And unlike them who was born with it, I got to where I am with hard work and a lot of perseverance. These days it seems I gave that up too easily to turn back into my very mundane and boring shell of a daylight hero. I feel like I’m losing myself.

I looked at jobsdb. And the moment you start looking there are so many opportunities out there. There are so many things I could have learned and I could have done. It made me wonder.

I spent the entire Sunday out. Company event from 8am to 3pm. Then I had to go attend Gean’s farewell dinner until about 10pm. Tomorrow I had to rush 2 deadlines and go for a staff dinner. All of that, sometimes it made me ask myself, what for?

Meeting my bunch of NOC friends really make me wonder too. They moved on, FAST. And it set me wondered, was my 1 year of learning to be an entrepreneur a waste? I used to talk to CEO of big pharmaceuticals company without fear or hesitation. Why am I giving up the power to lead myself to become a guy that listen to orders? Man I could even defend a design or stand by a quotation. Just like Superman under the pressure of kryptonite, I’m in agony…

So I’ll guess I have 11 more weeks to commit to what I’m trying to do. Each of them I’ll do my best and re-evaluate my chances. Never in the past 6 months have i considered the possibility of moving on so dearly. But it’s about time.

Because just like superheroes, no matter what identity that I have, the moment I give up my core power and my ability to grow, I’ll just be an ordinary, boring, mundane and unnoticeable person…

I’m in the mood to complain

I could have complained about how from an excellent designer I became a lousy IT administrator who doesn’t even have a title and a terrible concept creator because I don’t have time to do research or to sit down and think.

I could have complained about the inefficiency of Immigration in Singapore

I could have complained about how I felt like I’m drifting apart from all my friends and they are all leaving; how at the end of the day I feel like I’m so all alone.

I could have complained about how hard I’m trying and no one seems to be seeing that.

I could have complained about the many promises that have been broken and no one seems to care.

I could have complained about how people do not appreciate my effort to do the best I could for them and used it as a platform to take me for granted.

I could have complained about how very different my wishes and dreams turn out to be VERY DIFFERENT from my reality.

I could have complained about how much I want to just quit my job, pack my bag and run away from here.

But since this post is supposed to be a break. I’ll give you a break.

I’m such an idiot, aren’t I?

In a sense we humans are all superheroes. Think about it, we all have a secret identity. Whom we are at work or at home maybe totally different from whom we really are. We all have our strength. We all seek for a better good. We want to fly and look good in tight clothes (Oh please, tell me you don’t want Halle Berry’s boobs or Hugh Jackman’s 6 packs). But most importantly, everyday we learn to make choices, to overcome our own kryptonite and just…survive

Part 1: Not your typical Superman

You know sometimes I thought I was Superman, not in term of super muscles or weird sense of underwear, but in term of I can do a lot of things all at once. I couldn’t be more wrong.

I’m not your typical superman. There are moments I feel like a complete idiot and I wanna just lie down and…die. Like today, my first day as the unofficial I.T person day, I completely freaked out on my job. The phone DID NOT stop ringing since 9:30am until 6:30pm and I have people on the line screaming “I WANT a SOLUTION, NOW!”. And again I witnessed the amusingness of terrible bureaucracy and software linkage breakdown. Everyone of suppliers is pointing finger at each other and NONE OF THEM actually providing a solution. And unlike your typical superman, who helps people, I just want to use my super laser eyes to cut them all to half or make their heads explode.

I’m not your typical superman. Because I can’t do things as fast as he can. I can do everything I am supposed to do, but I don’t have time for everything that I am supposed to do. I cant design 2 websites, and debug a huge chunk of codes, and an ad, and a stage backdrop, and attend IT meetings, and fix computers, and broken internet connections, etc. in a day. It’s just …impossible.

I’m not your typical superman. I called for help. I called karen and people to help with my IT shit. At the end of the day, I talked to David about how terrible my time management has become and I was trying to find a solution. Also I called for his help to back up my decision on a certain important issue.

I’m not your typical superman. Simply because, sometimes, even I myself need to be rescued….

…But sometimes, I realizes, just like Superman, I am all I got. If I don’t stand up and fight and actively seek a solution, no one will come to the rescue. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE.

Just like your superman, I answered all the calls and told them to calm down, I’m fixing it. And I did find someone else to fix it.

Just like your superman, I did not back down. I told customers in a very polite but extremely firm way “If you don’t sign my quote I can’t do anything for you” and “I already undercharge my service for what is a tremendously complicated system (that you assume to be ever so simple). If you feel like I’m charging too much please go ahead with the vendor that is charging you twice the price for half the products”

Just like your superman, I’m trying my best to deal with it on my own. I’m taking control, I’m actively seeking a solution. That’s the best I got and that’s the best I can come up with. I’m no trained IT person and I’m no trained programmer either. I’m a designer that is just trying my best to do the best I can. So if you are still not happy then YOU GO AND DEAL WITH IT!

So unlike your typical Superman, who helped the world and ended up with a horrible death, I AM SURVIVING THIS!

When I was young, there are 3 things that I believe in: Dreams. Honesty. Love. And even though they are being challenged every day now, those things are still the things I seek.

Part 8: Compromises

OK I know I owe you all part 7b but I just found a perfect closing for this chapter. So that 7b part shall wait, ok?

I sort of got an unofficial “so called’ promotion. Unofficial because there is no title change and there was no announcement made. “So called” because there will be no change in position or pay (so DO NOT ask me for treats). It’s just a ton more work and a new staff to babysit. It’s IT helpdesk and all, which I’m not exactly good at given I hate Computer Engineering and Programming. So why did I do it?

Obvious answer would be I’m an idiot. However, the way I see it, I had an opportunity. And if you know me I’m not the kind of guy that scream and shout for an extra few hundreds a month, as long as I’m comfortable with my life and so far it’s been alright. It’s a signal of appreciation and recognition, and a chance for me to learn new things.

So Kok Wei, the new staff, saw what I was doing (like 3 person job with 2 pairs of hands) and he was kinda scared. “You won’t quit so soon, will you?”. He asked. Which is hilarious given he just said moment earlier that “This is a killer job” (2 persons quited, the later one only after 3 weeks). I told him what I told others “I’m not sure, but maybe for the next 3 months I won’t, because I’m committed to complete a few projects and I give them 3 months top”. I reviewed my options every 3 months, and as long as I’m still learning, I’m still moving forward, I’m not quitting.

But then again who can be so sure. I’ve been suffering tremendous stress these days and stuffs keep coming in everywhere. I can do it, certainly (cos I’m you guys’ favourite smart ass). It’s just I don’t have time to do ALL OF IT. Sometimes I just don’t really appreciate certain things, like the inevitable politics, or the inevitable work tension. David was right. Once you move up there are certain freedom you have to surrender, certain things you have to let go. Sometimes I really feel stuck in between, with people pushing me around and even when I stretch to my max, I cant satisfy anyone. I’ve been managing it well, but sometimes I feel myself as a timed bomb, ready to explode in someone’s face.

Well, anyway, I want to be extraordinary. Being a hybrid half artist half business man as I am, since I cant be an excellent artist yet, I shall strive to become an excellent business man. And it starts with compromising. I’m still learning.

When I was young, there are 3 things that I believed in: Dreams. Honesty. Love. In reality those are not so simple to find. So we just have to deal with it. Of course I’ll still be searching for them, but I’ll make compromises and “good enough” choices along the way. There are 3 things, though, that I will NEVER EVER compromise: my integrity, my friends and my creativity. The moment any of these is forced to be crossed over, I’ll throw in the towel and quit. And if you know me, I mean it. I quited on a lot of things before, even the really good tasty deals, not because I cant take it, just because I want to stay as myself.

So rest assure no matter how many “so called” promotions I have or how far I go, your Pace will forever be the same uncompromising man

Beautiful beautiful song. Falling in love again…

To special people that have made my life horrible whether they did that on purpose or not. I’m letting you all go. So please go :p

Love this song

I’ve dealt with my ghosts
And faced all my demons
Finally content with the past I regret
I found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with my self
I’ve been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I’m moving on

I’ve lived in this place
And I know all the faces
Each one is different
But they’re always the same
They mean me no harm
But it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed
Home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m moving on

I’m moving on
At last I can see (Last I can see)
Life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees
But I’m not alone
There comes at time
In everyones life
When all you can see
Are the years passing by (are the years passing by)
And I have made up my mind
That those days are gone

I’ve sold what I could
Packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should
But lived like I shouldn’t
I had to loose everything to find out.
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m Moving on
I’m moving on
I’m moving on

When I was young, there are 3 things that I believe in: Dreams. Honesty. Love. And even though they are being challenged every day now, those things are still the things I seek.

Part 7a:Let’s talk about work

This is weird. I’m writing about work when I’m enjoying my weekend. Normally I’m the type of person that maintains a perfectly fine work life balance. But since I have no time to talk about work at work, I shall talk about work at home. And since you all are probably bored with all my ranting about the work, I shall talk about the people.

There’s Alvin, up and coming Alvin. He’s this really bright guy who’s been through a lot as a person and who i really look up to. He’s a different type of Singaporean, who is down to earth and who stays true to his words. He just left our division to join another, which made me feel like I lost a close priest whom I can make confessions too. But it’s for a better picture, a greater good.

There’s Arina, who I told you to be this very earthly mother and at the same time funky woman. She’s very typical housewife when it comes to family and yet amazingly good when it comes to business. Her husband sent her a really nice bouquet of flowers for their wedding anniversary and guess what, she forgot about it. She must have been the luckiest woman to have such sweet husband.

There’s Karen, who is leaving. She’s the IT person and she loves programming. She’s leaving this job for her dreams. It’s sad because she’s kind and her laughters always cheer people up. it’s even sadder because now her successor might be leaving too and I’m like the only IT person left in the company. I’m too busy as it is with my part, I will have a nervous breakdown if I have to handle hers.

So then I look at myself. Sometimes I just feel incredibly motivated. Others I just feel incredible frustrated. It’s like design is the only thing I know how to do well. And everyday at work with people telling me what to do, it’s starting to feel as if even the thing I do best I’m not doing it good enough. Sometimes it pisses me off so much that I KNOW what is good and yet I have to do something incredibly awkward and called it “my design”. The same person that told me “try to take reference from last year video” told me the new one is kinda follow a pattern and try something new. After so much research and time to propose new and innovative ideas, in the end I did EXACTLY what I’m told to do. I now have to handle this project that I have consistently told people that I might NOT be able to do. As Heidi Klum ingeniously put it “You are a designer, you are NOT a dress-maker”. These days i don’t feel very much like a designer anymore.

I would like to think I’m a down to earth person. I don’t mind lying down on the floor fixing table (which I did till 730pm everyday last week) or standing under the sun fixing some torch and decoration out. It didn’t even cross my mind until Ria (whom I called “slutty receptionist”, more on her next episode) asked me if I mind, because you know, normally second upper degree students with Dean List cert don’t do this kinda shit. I don’t mind, really. But sometimes, I really do hope our work get appreciated a little bit more. Of course people say thank you and we appreciate you and all that. But sometimes the action doesn’t really match. Appreciation needs not come from nice words. It comes from action (Like nice food while we are working, thanks Michael I know you won’t be reading this but I love ya). Which makes me wanna talk about my newest colleague: Ivan.

So there’s Ivan, the new travel director. He’s dynamic and he talks a lot (Think twice the amount and twice the speed of what I talk. I know, and you thought it was impossible). But then again he’s a good salesman. He can really sells. So he wanted me to do his website (that means a 23 year-old fresh out of college kid kicks a 30+ year old experienced web-designer ass). And you know what, to him, I’m the absolute I.T. GOD. I’m not kidding you. He consulted me everything IT related and he actually LISTENS. He didn’t even bargain the quotation on the website. He even asked “Can I steal you from your division to do my IT?”, which, of course, I laughed it off politely as if he was joking. Oh and he boasted about me to every third party provider he talked to, like “We have this really good IT expert in our company”. It’s flattery, but it showed appreciation, and trust, and commitment to what he promised (so far all the designs have been moving quite fast). He never said “nice effort, but…” he said “well done, I’m impressed”. And sometimes you just needed JUST THAT to boost your energy to keep going.

Oh well, I’m bitching endlessly again. I think I think too much. It’s just I’m the kind of guy that is willing to go beyond what I am SUPPOSED to do. I want to be EXTRA-ORDINARY. I don’t want pay checks or steady bonus (ok I do want them but they are not top priority). I want to be able to look back at my work and my life and have something I could be proud of, I could call my own. I was busy as hell these days and I did a lot of things. And I look back and asked myself “Jeez, do I even want to call these MINE?”

(Bitching to be continued)

When I was young, there are 3 things that I believe in: Dreams. Honesty. Love. And even though they are being challenged every day now, those things are still the things I seek.

Part 6: Vesak Day

It was a strange day. It was as if Buddha was talking to me today. And I know it’s impossible because he already passed away and reached nirvana like 2500 years ago, and unlike Jesus or the Backstreet Boys, he aint making a come back. But it was strange

I realized today in this celebration of Buddhist worldwide for the life of Buddha, that I’m among the lousiest Buddhists ever. I swear like hell. I eat everything meat related. I occasionally tapped people’s internet. I drank a lot. And I watch porn. No virtuous Buddhists would do all that. But I did. So I kept myself clean at least for today.

The weird thing is, it’s not that hard. And I got through today consciously mindfully take care of whatever I say, do or even think. I amended a lot of things that are not right in my life. Hell I even bought my own router and have my own internet set up. It was not hard. I thought it was, but the part where we wanted to do it and set out to fix things, it’s the hard part. With the power of the mind, there’s nothing you cant do. At least Buddha say so. Have some faith!

So I went to this temple in Joo chiat (which is the red light district at night with lots of Vietnamese chicks). Anyway it was really crowded and all at the temple. Glad to know it’s not a dying religion like a lot people thought. And I prayed for my parents. It was weird. Because when I was young Buddha to me is like god almighty, he has all the super powers. I prayed to him I would study well. I prayed I’d be happy and rich. Hell I even prayed my grand mother didn’t have to die. None had come true. But today when I was there having a hard time finding something to pray about, I realized, I’m such a lucky bastard. I’m contented with my life and there’s not a lot more I would wish for super power to fix. And those that I’m not contented with, at least I know how to fix them. So in the end I went with “Please keep my parents safe, healthy and happy”, which, again, is the strangest thing coming out from me if you ask me.

So yah, I’m a proud a Buddhist. I was born in a Buddhist family, but I chose to be a Buddhist. And I might go to hell or whatever, but the truth is, I don’t want heaven and promises after death. I want my life, here and now, treasuring every moment, fixing everything that is wrong and doing good things to people around me.

I know there’s a long way to go for me to be a Buddhist. But Buddha lost 40 years to find enlightenment, so maybe I just barely started.

Happy Vesak day Buddha. May you be well and happy!

When I was young, there are 3 things that I believe in: Dreams. Honesty. Love. And even though they are being challenged every day now, those things are still the things I seek.

Part 5: Cynically speaking

Cynically speaking, this world is fucked. War, quake, cyclone, raising oil price, raising rice and wheat price, Paris Hilton, etc. I mean, come on, read newspaper, the world is ending here. I passed by a church this afternoon, and they had a banner that said “Don’t worry, seek God!” And you all know I believe in god and I respect everyone’s belief, but how can God help us if everyday what we do is preaching hatred, starting some idiotic war for oil. I mean if we fundamentally as individuals don’t seek to solve a problem, isn’t going to the church 7 times a week just burn up more fuel and produce more pollutions? And guys, if you look closely at that church banner, you’ll see the fine prints (ALWAYS look at the fine prints, advertising speaking), it says “BUT FIRST, seek his kingdom, righteousness and faith”. Yes, have faith, it’s just something you cant see, you cant explain, you just have to believe. And cynically speaking, there’s no such thing.

Cynically speaking, there’s no such thing as “I respect everyone’s belief”, and that goes for me too. Funny story, I was telling my friend about Vesak day (the day Buddha was born and the day he got his enlightenment, so to speak) and asked them if they wanted to go temple. They all acted a little weird, uncomfortable I guess. And while I respect everyone’s belief, I cant help but think to myself, I knew what Christmas day was and easter day was and I was at church on some of those days, and they ALWAYS invited me to church on one of those days. So what’s wrong with me asking them to go temple? Ideally speaking, everyone has their belief and respect other’s. Cynically speaking, we all want to force our belief on others. And that’s the fact of life.

Cynically speaking, love SUCKS. I mean if you can see how happy my best friend was when her boyfriend was busy for like, a day. And love literally sucks you out of the world, of your family, your normal friends, and your hope in life. I saw like a lot of couples with Angmo guys, some middle age, with young cute heavily made up Asian girls. You know how I felt about these Asian sluts so I won’t repeat. The thing is, cynically speaking, there’s not much true love left in today’s world.

Cynically speaking, no matter what people say, they moved on. I love Alvin and Arina and Karen to death, but I knew, and I still know, that the moment their footstep out the door they are not coming back. And it’s the fact of life. They are having new struggles, new exciting things to do, and sometimes even when you have the will, there’s no way. So I’m trying, very hard, to let them go. Cynically speaking, I should have been moving on too.

Cynically speaking, guys are born to be taken for granted by women. It’s true. What else can make a guy that is so tired and desperate for a rest on his Sunday to come all the way out to assist his female friend whom he rarely sees because of HER BOYFRIEND and help her choose a laptop. And what could have been my shopping trip to buy some commodities turned out to be a shoes and bags shopping spree. I love women and I respect them for their sacrifices, but well, sometimes I just want to tell them, “STOP FUCKING taking us for granted”

So, cynically speaking, I’m a cynic. I don’t idealize things, I don’t spend so much time mourning what wasn’t. But the truth? The truth is I have faith. I have faith in love. Which is the strangest thing if you know me personally and heard what I said. I’m not hypocritical, I’m just…well…confused. Because when love and faith are really inspiring, what the world proves to me everyday is so different. I did something outrageous yesterday. I sort of had a panic attack and I did something I couldn’t imagine I would do in a million years. Don’t ask me what it is, but I did it, just to make sure I am still capable of being honest, of being whole, and of being happy.

So well, this is me, trying to be honest, and happy. Cynically speaking, it’s impossible for someone like me. But well, have some faith.

So, anyone going to temple for Vesak day tomorrow?

I think I’m in love…with country music. These day my mood swings so bad I kept switching songs genre from rock to jazz to country. But I’m absolutely in love with this song. Guess I’m in my romantic moods today.

So this song is for a very special person in my life, who have appeared and showed me what it truly means to be loved. I’m really imperfect with so many flaws, and sometimes I’m so self-absorbed and self-centered I forgot how incredibly lucky I am to be loved by so many special people around me. So this is just for you, no matter what the distance we are and no matter how memories are running by us through the day, I thank you for loving me like I am

Lying here with you
I watch you while you sleep
The dawn is closing in
With every breath you breathe

I can feel the change
The change you’ve made in me
But will I ever see
All the things you see in me

When you say that I’m one of a kind
Baby, I don’t see it but you believe
That I’m so strong and true, I promise you
I’ll try to be that kind of man
Because you love me like I am

When it comes to love
I may not know the rules
But there’s one thing I know
My heart belongs to you, just you

When you say that I’m one of a kind
Baby, I don’t see it but you believe
That I’m so strong and true, I promise you
I’ll try to be that kind of man
Because you love me like I am

You show me you love me
With a fire that burns deep inside

When you say that