When I was young, there are 3 things that I believe in: Dreams. Honesty. Love. And even though they are being challenged every day now, those things are still the things I seek.
Part 5: Cynically speaking
Cynically speaking, this world is fucked. War, quake, cyclone, raising oil price, raising rice and wheat price, Paris Hilton, etc. I mean, come on, read newspaper, the world is ending here. I passed by a church this afternoon, and they had a banner that said “Don’t worry, seek God!” And you all know I believe in god and I respect everyone’s belief, but how can God help us if everyday what we do is preaching hatred, starting some idiotic war for oil. I mean if we fundamentally as individuals don’t seek to solve a problem, isn’t going to the church 7 times a week just burn up more fuel and produce more pollutions? And guys, if you look closely at that church banner, you’ll see the fine prints (ALWAYS look at the fine prints, advertising speaking), it says “BUT FIRST, seek his kingdom, righteousness and faith”. Yes, have faith, it’s just something you cant see, you cant explain, you just have to believe. And cynically speaking, there’s no such thing.
Cynically speaking, there’s no such thing as “I respect everyone’s belief”, and that goes for me too. Funny story, I was telling my friend about Vesak day (the day Buddha was born and the day he got his enlightenment, so to speak) and asked them if they wanted to go temple. They all acted a little weird, uncomfortable I guess. And while I respect everyone’s belief, I cant help but think to myself, I knew what Christmas day was and easter day was and I was at church on some of those days, and they ALWAYS invited me to church on one of those days. So what’s wrong with me asking them to go temple? Ideally speaking, everyone has their belief and respect other’s. Cynically speaking, we all want to force our belief on others. And that’s the fact of life.
Cynically speaking, love SUCKS. I mean if you can see how happy my best friend was when her boyfriend was busy for like, a day. And love literally sucks you out of the world, of your family, your normal friends, and your hope in life. I saw like a lot of couples with Angmo guys, some middle age, with young cute heavily made up Asian girls. You know how I felt about these Asian sluts so I won’t repeat. The thing is, cynically speaking, there’s not much true love left in today’s world.
Cynically speaking, no matter what people say, they moved on. I love Alvin and Arina and Karen to death, but I knew, and I still know, that the moment their footstep out the door they are not coming back. And it’s the fact of life. They are having new struggles, new exciting things to do, and sometimes even when you have the will, there’s no way. So I’m trying, very hard, to let them go. Cynically speaking, I should have been moving on too.
Cynically speaking, guys are born to be taken for granted by women. It’s true. What else can make a guy that is so tired and desperate for a rest on his Sunday to come all the way out to assist his female friend whom he rarely sees because of HER BOYFRIEND and help her choose a laptop. And what could have been my shopping trip to buy some commodities turned out to be a shoes and bags shopping spree. I love women and I respect them for their sacrifices, but well, sometimes I just want to tell them, “STOP FUCKING taking us for granted”
So, cynically speaking, I’m a cynic. I don’t idealize things, I don’t spend so much time mourning what wasn’t. But the truth? The truth is I have faith. I have faith in love. Which is the strangest thing if you know me personally and heard what I said. I’m not hypocritical, I’m just…well…confused. Because when love and faith are really inspiring, what the world proves to me everyday is so different. I did something outrageous yesterday. I sort of had a panic attack and I did something I couldn’t imagine I would do in a million years. Don’t ask me what it is, but I did it, just to make sure I am still capable of being honest, of being whole, and of being happy.
So well, this is me, trying to be honest, and happy. Cynically speaking, it’s impossible for someone like me. But well, have some faith.
So, anyone going to temple for Vesak day tomorrow?