Part 7: As a matter of fact.
As a matter of fact, there is no fact. All of which that are in life is an illusion, a string of attachments we deluded ourselves into believing to be fact.
Had a bumpy week. I really miss that feeling of waking up in the morning with enthusiasm and a heart full of ideals, wishing I’ll change the world today. That’s not easy, because to change the world, you need a lot of strength, and courage. But the 2 is not enough, you need power. That’s why Superman is forever alone and Lex Luther always win.
Tired of myself. In the search for greatness, I fell prey for the fault delusion of the promise of greatness. In the search for excellence, I became a base to be taken for granted. I could have fought using contracts and papers, but I asked myself “What for? Does it really matter?”. In the search for fairness, I became unkind. The only thing that is left, is the knowledge that I learned, and the fact about the world in my own version, which no one will take away from me.
I realize I don’t really have faith in anything. But then again can one keep believing in someone who never kept their promise before? I think that’s why I’m a Buddhist. Buddha don’t promise anything.
2 of my friends were sick. One today and one last week. I myself feel like getting sick (but I refrain myself not to because medical expenses are too much here and my company HR took more than 2 weeks already to issue my medical insurance card). I think when people get sick they tend to feel lonely, and panic. I was really worried for them.
Feel exhausted. At any point of my life, no matter how fucked up that was, I always had someone to talk to. When I was a kid I had my sister. When I was in NUS I used to have Kelly. When I was in the US I have JE. These days I just feel so alone. I tend to bitch to Alvin about things but these days he seems busy, distant, and happy. There’s no point in sharing unhappiness, is it?
Focusing on planning my parents trip to Singapore. I owe it to them to make them happy. I still don’t know how I came this far, but I did, and I don’t intend to disappoint them, ever. We have a kinda strange relationship. I never told them how fucked up life really is. And they are simple enough to believe everything in my life always go perfectly fine as I speak in the phone.
Spent my weekend entirely running errands, washing clothes, ironing clothes, cleaning house, etc. Life of a bachelor, what to do?
As a matter of fact, I’m not as simple and happy as most people. As a matter of fact, my parents believe I’m simple and happy as most people. As a matter of fact, I love what I am doing but I’m tired of how people are looking at what I’m doing. As a matter of fact, I’m not kind, not generous, not that funny at all.
As a matter of fact, I’m not a superhero.