Part 3: On days like these
There are perfect days, like the one when I was 5 and my grandma was lying next to me, and I read her Buddhist books and she touched my head with this perfect motherly smile.
And there are perfectly fucked up days, like today. I won’t go into details because there were so many of them that in the end I was this close | | to lose my sanity (not virginity, I lost that one for quite some time). The funny thing is I cant even remember why I was so mad. I was crazy, in rage, terribly terrorizing that I yelled at 2 colleagues (for the reason I also forgot). I was seriously discourage, disappointed, distress and even delusion at a point of time. I was totally fucked.
That was when I realized how incredibly lucky I am. There are good friends who stood by me, good colleagues who gave me things to cheer me up. I looked around and I saw support, not obstacles. I picked up the phone and I solved my problems, one by one, to remind myself of my capability and that there is NOTHING that is IMPOSSIBLE.
I did this thing for my colleagues, who didn’t even notice it. And it shall remain that way. I told her I would not do it, because I didn’t want to be taken for granted. It was a difficult thing to do, really. But I did it anyway. Because that is who I am. I’m gonna help as much as I can. I’m gonna provide the best quality job I can, no matter how lousy I am being rewarded or appreciated. I finished it. Although the attention whore in me wanted to come up to them and say “Hey, I did it!”. I decided I shall keep a smile for myself. Knowing I can achieve it is good enough.
Organizing 2 gatherings for 2 groups of friends. And although there was this typical “Sorry I cant turn up” lame ass excuses, I was happy I did it. It mean I didn’t change so much. I still want to see my friends and I still am this eternally hopeful and idealistic guy.
Going for a concert this Sat. Mostly because I love A Capella (I miss singing dearly, but it was a good thing I quited. I cant really sing anyway). But also because I want to support a friend. It’s just my silly way of being there. When you are reminded of the gift that someone has given you in your life, no matter how far apart you seem to have drifted and no matter how long you have yet to meet; you just want to be standing there, at the sideline, to show discreetly that you care. And I do.
Finally booked my Malaysia tickets for me and my parents. So glad they are coming. I hope they will have the first best trips of their life (and many more to come of course). I was so totally broke but I swiped my card with a smile. That was the single moment of today that I just feel this pure rush of joy ran through me. I was proud of myself, because for the first time, I’m no longer that weak crying baby boy. I’m a grown responsible man. (OK I know it’s totally overly melodramatically gay, but hey, how much did you do for your parents when you were 23? So STFU)
I’m so glad my Dharma teacher (a monk) is back in town. I was so close to insanity that if it wasn’t for him who reminded me of the Buddha’s teachings, I would have just like…kill someone. I was reminded of what it means to be a Buddhist and how it is like to look at the truth. I just have to keep reminding myself, then, to be a better person, and a better Buddhist.
I’m gonna close this another lengthly post with a quote from my favourite song “Days like these”. Basically it means thanks to fucked up days like these that I grow and I become the happy and loved person that I am. So thank you.
“On days like these, made the young man grows, bend his back against the promises that life cant hold. They can make him wise. They can drive him to his knees. Nothing comes for free. On days like these”