Somehow listened to this song by chance today. It was actually being played in my company’s restaurant a lot of times (because I gave it to them) but only today I noticed it. It’s been a while and somehow it stirs a lot of my emotions today. So I thought I write it down (although I had quoted this song like countless times). This is an emo-essay style so it’s gonna be long. Deal with it!
A little bit of background, I heard this song the first time when I was year 2 in NUS. It was the first original ending from the anime Bleach, back in the day it was still a nice and worth watching anime (these days it just sucks). Somehow the lyrics spoke to me and I downloaded it right away. I still keep that copy ever since. This is one of my most favourite songs of all times.
I was going through a really tough time in my year 2 (and 3). As a young kid who just left home to somewhere far I faced a lot of newly experienced things: betrayal, denial, cold-heartedness and sometimes my own self-delusion. And so somehow this song, with a lot of zen-like philosophy, was my spokeman at that time. Let me illustrate by the lyrics (Music you can get from me. I cant post here cos copyright, and the Youtube clip is so not nice).
“Nobody knows who I really am. I never felt this empty before”
Very often in my life I feel like I’m all alone, as if no one understand, and no one will. Maybe that has to do with being the eldest son. Maybe it got to do with my childhood. I just have trust issue with people. I don’t really show them who I am unless they get close enough. And the moment they see the true me they run away. So I guess it remains. No one knows who I really am. Beyond that facades of my flamboyant and strong front, I’m just a vulnerable, down to earth human. I’m not sure how many of the people I know see that.
“We are all rowing the boat of fate, The waves keep on coming and we can’t escape”
I’m sure you agree with this. Destiny is an excuse for the weak to whine. But it is true. We are fated in a lot of sense. In Christianity we talk about god’s plan. In Buddhism we talk about karma. Somehow things that happen in our lives are planned and coincidental. We didn’t want it to happen, it still will happen. I want it to happen, it still will not happen. The waves that bring us up and down in life, they never end.
“But if we ever get lost on our way. The waves would guide you through another day”
But everytime we fall, we get stronger. That’s human. I’m a different person from who I was 3 years back. A lot different. I was close to killing myself then. These days I am strong enough to stare at challenges in their face. Each wave in my life comes, I looked back at the last and smiled. I learned my lesson. And somehow when bad things happened, better things come. Success came even when I had to walk alone. US happened. My friends happened. So yes, the waves always guide me through another day. It maynot be a better day, but it’s another day I live and wait for a better day.
dooku de iki o shiteru toomei ni natta mitai.
kudayami ni omoe dakedo mekaku shisarete tadake
“Far away, I’m breathing, as if I were transparent
It would seem I was in the dark, but I was only blindfolded”
This is the Zen-like philosophy I was talking about. When I was in the dark, I realized there was no one that could help. All I needed was a moment of tranquility. I was scared and alone. I thought no one sees me. But it was just me, locking myself in the dark. That was when I found Buddhism. I was born into a Buddhist family but it was not much of an influence in my life until that moment. It was the ultimate realization so to speak for me. That Buddha does NOT plan my life and he will NOT save me. That Buddha does NOT just love me and he will NOT die for me. It’s me who needs to change. It’s me who needs to stand up and live. That was when I realized I’m a true Buddhist.
inori o sasagete atarashii hi o matsu, asayaka ni hikaru umi sono hate made
“I give a prayer as I wait for the new day, Shining vividly up to the edge of that sea”
Even my prayers changed. I used to pray for a lot of things for myself. These days each new day comes I pray for another. I learned my lesson. I learned that to live on is already the ultimate blessing. So every new day comes with a shining light of hope for a new beginning, for survival and revival
“Nobody knows who I really am. Maybe they just don’t give a damn
But if I ever need someone to come along, I know you would follow me, and keep me strong”
Too much have been said. But I was glad I found true friends. There were dark times and I had people I could cling on to. I won’t name names because I can’t count all of them. At every phase of my life they appear to help me through and quietly they let me go set sail in my new adventures.
hito no kokoro wa utsuriyuku mukedashiteku naru
tsuki wa mada atarashii shuuki de mune o tsureteku
“People’s hearts change and sneak away from them
The moon in its new cycle leads the boats again”
Have it been 4 years already? I can hardly believe what I have been through. The people of my life has changed tremendously too. Sometimes I thought we were strangers, and then we became best friends. Sometimes I thought we are best of friends, we are eventually strangers. Sometimes I thought I was in love, I was all alone. Sometimes I thought I was all alone, that was when I found love. People’s hearts change (not in a surgical way but in an emo way). And to learn to live life as a boat that follows through with the circles, with ups and downs, and with the change in people riding with you, it’s the hope for a new shining moon. It’s the cycle of the moon and the boat itself are the very image of Japanese Zen influence.
“And every time I see your face, the ocean heaves up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars, and soon, I can see the shore
Oh, I can see the shore. When will I see the shore?
I want you to know who I really am. I never thought I’d feel this way towards you
And if you ever need someone to come along, I will follow you, and keep you strong”
I found the people in my life that could do this for me. I found the people whom I can turn to and find a dock to rest my tired soul to move on. I won’t be stopping yet, because life is still long with many other journeys. But I was glad I could stop in a calm loving place… Many times people do let me down, but I’m still that silly guy. I’m still the person that will stand by you, that will support you. All you have to do, is ask. I got angry with a lot of people in my life. I stood strongly by my opinion and my principles. But one thing they didn’t know, I treasured friendship even more than that. So sometimes, all you have to do is ask, and I’ll follow you, no matter how much you hurted me.
tabi wa mada tsuzuiteku odayakana hi mo
tsuki wa mata atarashii shuuki de ume o terashidasu
“And still the journey continues on quiet days as well
The moon in its new cycle shines on the boats again”
Life goes on with its new circles, on quiet and stormy days. I move on with my new chapters, on good and bad days. I’m not waiting for life to happen. I make it so.
Unmei no huneoko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to watashi-tachi o sou kedo
Sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne
“We are rowing the boat of fate, but the waves keep attacking us
But isn’t that still a wonderful journey? Aren’t any of them a wonderful journey?”
Because life is still a wonderful journey, and I don’t want to miss the boat. A lot of people told me to think carefully about what I say. A lot of them asked “Why say things you know you will regret?”. It’s because I want to live fr the “now”. I want to make the mistakes rather than spending my whole life wondering what if I had made that mistakes. Life is too short for second-guessing.
It does seem to me like each year my boat got a little upgraded and I got to experience bigger waves at the bigger oceans. It’s fine with me though. It’s all part of the process and I’m learning to appreciate it.
Life is an endless ocean, and I’m moving on. Care to join my boat?