Had a bizarre week. I think today is the first day after a long time of dishearten laziness that I worked really hard and really fast. The past 3 weeks had been horrible.
First I told my boss straight on in a company meeting how frustrated I am with the job. Then I met him in private and sort of telling him I want to leave. Then another meeting listening to him it’s ok that I leave. And now I’m kinda caught in a dilema of whether I should leave.
My boss reaction of so willingly letting me go give me mixed feelings. On one hand it feels (surprisingly) good when he’s so understanding and so helpful with my situation. On the other it just feels like I’m not necessary (and I’m already doing like 3 people’s job there). Whatever the case, the decision is made, it’s just a matter of time, and how.
I can’t really find a job. Maybe I’m just too picky. Maybe there’s no job out there for a guy like me. To think you spent 4.5 years in Uni with an excellent record, a Dean List and a year working in the US, and in the end you ended up unwanted. It’s kinda unsettling.
On the other hand after the relaunch of my website I received this strong wave of encouragement from a lot of people. So far there are like 3 freelance leads coming. I hope I can get these contracts. They are really challenging, but I want to finish the, because I want to be able to tell myself I still can do this.
You know for a passing moment last week I wanted to quit design altogether. I was trying to help my sis to come up with her brand identity and all other package design. And her being my sister and an excellent designer gave me a really tough time. She wanted things to finish in 1 night and looks perfect. So I told myself “Forget it, if I cant even earn my own sister’s respect as a designer, I might as well just quit it all together”.
I’ve been out on business meetings for the past 3 nights. Each night different person telling me about dreams, about the future business, even about Vietnam. And that set me thinking (uh oh). I want to be able to do that too. Soon. Having a loan on my back, 2 years bond, and a family to support make it slightly harder to envision far ahead rather than staying afloat everyday, but I want to be able to do that. I want to be the entrepreneur and respected for the kind of knowledge I own.
It’s still a long way ahead. But I feel this week to me is a wake up call. It’s a call for me to take action, rather than being discouraged and whiny all day doing nothing at my desk. It waked me up to work hard to be the man that I was, and I want to be.
It’s never been easy in my life. And sometimes I do feel it’s unfair. But I have no other choice. Either I stand up and work my ass for it, or I just qhine and ended up like an average Singaporean. And that’s not my choice
I miss home. Mom sent me care package. I want to be home. I want to be loved.
I had a pretty uncomfortable (and yet friendly on the surface, as always) confrontation. So someone called me judgmental. And maybe I agree. I see life in black and white too often that I judge things purely based on a very technical basis. So here in this post, I’ll state a few statements that was made by the other party, some I feel is valid, some I don’t. But since I shall not be judgmental, I’ll leave it to you readers to judge them.
“I will give you this (about $300 thing) if you get this contract” is not a promise. Sometimes as superior when you are high you say things to motivate others’ spirit. I didn’t know you take it so literal. Next time I’ll be more careful in my communication with you.
The world out there is even dark and scarier. So whatever politics you have faced here is a minimalized version of the real world. Out there people will back stab and even cheat your money.
This is just because of the difference in experience. If one person has worked with one supplier that has provided this, he can assume all must have. And if you call 8 vendors and they do not provide this, you just happen to call the wrong people.
Working is not just about competence, it’s also about building characters. With your characters you are very professional when it comes to work and negotiates with others. But behind the scenes you tend to be judgmental. Someday it will catch up with your work life.
(On a statement self-made) I think she’s just ignorant. She did not do that on purpose. Maybe you just need to educate her.
(On pay and compensation matter) I thought it was not important to you. But now I know it is.
Those are the ones I can remember out of the very long meeting. I have until Tuesday to make my decision. I kinda did, and this made it much easier for me to stick to that decision. I’m just wondering, is it true? Is the problem with me all along?
I kept every single word I had (if I remember them, that is), promises or not, even when I was drunk. If I forgot I’ll apologize for forgetting. I believe in integrity, and seeking for integrity when there’s a lack of it in any place I am from. I believe in reality of strong research and factual knowledge, rather than past experience. My characters may not be the best, but I never let any of it affect the quality of my work. And if I say or do something wrong, I take responsibility for it. And I might be slightly ignorance, but I came to the point where I know what I’m worth.
I listened to their side of the story, and I, too, admit I made certain wrong judgements and mistakes. I did apologize right there. I came to listen, to explain. I stepped out of the door as an unwanted fool. I was naive. I wanted to really solve the problem because I love the place no matter how terrible the situations sometimes are. But all of it just made it so easy for me.
I’m sorry, readers. I really really wanted very badly to stay in my gay and lalaala mood. But then the world doesn’t allow me so. It just had to fuck things up and shatter everything. So I think I’ll do something weird for the first time, mixing 2 chapters together. When I have funny lalala things I’ll post it under 61, otherwise it’s in here. What do you think?
So my would be perfect day was spoilt by a comment on my design. It’s just a “Cut and paste job. Why is it so hard for you to do?”. It’s not cut and paste. I spent 3 weeks to complete it, then waited 5 months for changes and had to redo the entire things after a single “It’s not consistent”. As an artist that was the worst insult I heard in years.
I went out for lunch with my kakis to bitch about my already too dramatic and pathetic life. We talked and talked. And the restaurant had to fuck up my lunch. They cooked and forgot to bring out, until when it’s out it’s already cold. I know. I miss my kakis.
I just feel frustrated that I’m doing so much and no one is realizing or appreciating it.
Then we had a meeting. It’s really long. And we were asked to tell how we feel. Man, that was 2.5 hours of frustration venting. Out of 8 of us who were there, one said she’s quitting next month, one I knew she told me is quitting Oct, one confirmed year end quitting, one keep saying “let’s close the business down” and me, you know how I feel. Imagine that.
So without more details let’s just say in between I had a few beer because my colleagues forced me to drink, Thai food with Fushan and a lot of words exchange with colleagues. I always realized a third class honor grad has $500 more pay than me the second upper Dean Lister with 1 yr US experience. And then even with my cluster phobia I still went for an IT show that is packed with people. And my nose still run after a week. And it never fucking stop raining.
“Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for blah. And sometimes you find it. But mostly it is blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you are right about the blah’s you made and then just when you think you have the whole blah damned thing figured out and you are surrounded by the ones you blah death shows up. And blah blah blah. ” Andy Botwin, Weeds.
I woke up this morning and I feel blah. I was exhilarating the night before but when I blah all that awesome musicals to my blah life; everything just seems so blah. I stepped out of bed and did my usual blah things before I go to blah.
The day at blah is so blah blah. I did a lot of blah blah blah stuffs. I read some real blah blah things. People say some real blah blah stuffs. Actually most stuffs I hear on a daily basis is blah blah only.
My colleagues are also pretty blah. We talked some blah blah things trying to keep ourselves blah. We typed some blah blah emails to finish our blah. They’re all so blah I don’t know where to stop blahing.
The weather was so blah. It was blah so hard I almost blah. The wind blah until I almost blah my umbreblah. People blah at me I also don’t give a blah. They are just blah.
So I’m blahing something with my colleagues later. I’m not really blah at it and not like I blah. But I just blah anyway cos if not I have nothing else to blah.
There’s a very blah blah meeting tomorrow. I hope I can make a good blah. Afterall my best ability is to blah the whole damn blah blah things.
Did I blah you?
(My definition of blah: When you don’t care until a point you don’t feel like using words to form sentences, you just “blah”)
I just hit a Broadway Musical Jackpot. Now I potentially owns more than 40 Broadway Musical that was staged since 1990 (including…wait for it…the original Phantom of the Opera before revival). OMFG!!! (and BTW the whole Spring Awakening show is AWESOME! No show has on-stage sex, suicidal scenes and the word “Fucked” in one of their songs title. And this one dared to go there!)
The question remains: Who will be the one watching this marathon with me?
History will repeat itself: For the past 3 years I have been looking for ONE TV junkie who would watch shows like Six Feet Under, Dexter, Weeds, etc. with me and NONE, I mean NONE, has lived up to the standard. The only person who watched a marathon series with me was my friend An. Together we finished 10 season of Friends in less than 1 week. Liuting only came close to about 1.5 seasons of Desperate Housewives and 3 episodes of Lost.
It’s funny how funny can life be if you look at it from perspective of a cartoon. I know. It’s really great. Instead of being bitter and depressed, I ended up today with a lot of laughs and fun! Check it out.
When faced with the question “What is human’s largest organ?”. I immediately thought of a very obviously HUGE organ of mine. But then she said human and this thing I have has different sizes for different guys, and girls generally don’t have them. So I went with “lungs” as the answer. OK, the correct answer was the skin. My obvious answer? Of course it was my gigantic…BRAIN. (LOL I know it’s really sexist but it’s really funny how my brain process things).
I read in a paper, and in world population who was surveyed by a website, 88% chose Obama as US President. 84% of Singaporean surveyed chose Obama. Based on this result, I bet McCain will win. My rationale? Simple. The rest of the world use metric, Celcius degree, and we count Olympics medals first place by gold. The American use miles, Fahrenheit and they count the total number of medals. Need I explain more?
I was sort of involved in this debate. And somehow my colleague stepped in and graciously saved me from it. And you know what I was thinking the whole time when they were debating? “Slap her. Please god. Make him slap her!”. LOL, I know. For a moment I can imagine this cartoon character throw the whole cup of hot milo to the other (my colleague was drinking when he saved me). I know it will never happen, but you cant blame a guy for having faith, right?
I have this client who magically assumed that something (quite complex) would be done FOC without being stated in the contract because “it was the norm to include this in all projects”. So in the process of proving them wrong (as mathematician I love to prove shit), I surveyed 3 big development firms and 5 small ones. All of them DO NOT have such thing. So, within 5 minutes, I came up with my next HUGE business plan (which I need to present Thursday or else my ass in on the line to be kicked). OK, so all clients assume this thing, but all vendors do not supply this thing, then why don’t “I” (very big letter i) jump in and do it? See, told you I have GIGANTIC Brain!!!
OK, to close this post, I would want to report a conversation my brain cells has with each other today, in cartoon classic mode:
Smart braincell: “Happy braincell, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around lately”
Happy braincell: “Oh, I was away, having this big conference at EMO central in MSN town. You haven’t heard of it? It’s all over De-pressing Times”.
Smart braincell: “Is it? Sorry I was too busy to read. I was busy scheming how to defend myself from certain people without much braincells attacking me. Who have you seen at the conference? Was it big?”
Happy braincell: “OMG it was huge!!! There are so many braincells in EMO central. There’s African children, IT personnel, receptionists, event planners, designers, oh, and a lot of Chinese.”
Smart braincell: “Are they small? The Chinese braincells?”
Happy braincell: “Not really, only this certain eyes braincell from this Singaporean guy and some braincell from this Indonesian Chinese girl, the rest is pretty big” (Inside joke, it’s ok if you do not get it)
Happy braincell: “But I never see celebrities braincells there, like George Bush, Mc Cain, Beckham, Paris or Britney. I was so looking forward to see them”
Smart braincell: “Are you stupid? These braincells never existed in the first place.”
OK, you all know I love musicals right? Does that make me gay? Cos Musicals are gay. But then does soccer makes people straight? Cos Beckham is gay. Hmmmm….
Anyway here are the reasons I love musical. (I would quote more classic shows like “Phantom of the Opera”, “Grease”, “Chicago”, “Cabaret”, “Les miserables”, “Evita”. But you already seen them all. So here are the VERY POPULAR shows in Broadway but maybe still new to some of us here in Asia)
1. Musicals are magical, with a lot of twist. Like in “Wicked”, the Wicked witch of the west from Oz is a strong but misunderstood woman. (And this is where I fell in love with Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel) Take a look
2. Musicals are funny, and vulgar, and real. Like in “Avenue Q”, with puppet nudity, internet porn, guys not wearing underwears, racist Japanese, etc.
3. Musicals are silly, and colorful, and full of vocal talents. Like in “Xanadu”. It’s a totally stupid storyline, but with all the voices it became this canvas of so many colors.
4. Musicals are non discriminative and representative of lives, and culture. Like in “In the Heights”, it’s the story about a group of struggling immigrants from Puerto Rico in Manhattan, and how they fall in love, and how they make what are running down houses, “Home”. It won Tony this year for best original score. Lots of hip hop and Latino dance and a few sentimental pieces.
5. Musicals are ageless. Like in “Spring Awakening”, it’s the story of how teenagers these days struggling with growing up, in punk rock. (I would quote “Hairspray” but Zac Efron already made it TOO GAY. So well, this punk rock piece is much better)
6. So I would close this (would be too gay) musicals session with the musical that made me fell in love with musicals (I kinda watched Phantom and Grease and Evita before this but I just liked them, not loved them). This is the song the moment I heard it I already screamed in Weijia’s ears “Gosh I love this song!!!”. This is “Rent”. This is a rock musical about love, and loss, and very real struggles with drugs, with AIDS, with Arts and with living with “Rent” (Which I can relate to a lot since I pay rent). This is “Seasons of Love”
OK, in order to keep as fun as possible I’ll keep this chapter as long as I can. And I’m determined to tell you every single good jokes I heard, think of or just randomly got from somewhere. OK, ready?
1. In the spirit of Olympic has successfully ended, my beloved best friend/semi-scandalous boyfriend wrote this LONG article. I found it utterly funny. Take a look here . In case you are in a rush and do not want to read such long things, here is the conclusion of the post.
“And before you get bored of my tirades, do you know what the Olympic Rings mean? As an image of Olympism, Coubertin thought the rings had deep significance: that of the union between men. He multiplied the image to create a total of five rings
(Source: The Olympic Rings)
Deep indeed. Heh.”
2. A few thoughts myself about this year Olympics. I mean it’s undeniable that the Chinese kicked ass and the ceremonies are beautifully done. So before you send me hate mails these are jokes, ok?
- If EACH Chinese raced person in this world throw a $1 coins, they will have…let me see…1.3 bil? Wow, that’s like a stadium, no, may be 3 years of South Africa food supply. And seriously, that’s a lot of coins, enough to literally fill a stadium. But then they cant sign checks, cos that’ll be a lot of paper for a $1 bill.
- The stadium looks like and is called a bird nest. If a bird do stay there, it must be gigantic. And it’s metal since the nest is metal. Then if it shit and the shit is metal. It’s a HUGE bird so it will produce HUGE shit. I wonder what if the bird migrate south, like, say, Hiroshima, and shit there. Hmmmm.
- London can never do the same kind of ceremony like China did. First of all they do not have so many people (unless they build a tiny stadium, so maybe it can look as half full as the Chinese one). Secondly their performers cannot sing… in Chinese. How can it be the same then?
- Olympics polluted China. China is actually a clean and green nation. But then why do the Westerners complain the pollution index is too high? Think of the amount of smoke fireworks produce in all those practices BEFORE the Olympics. On top of that so many people (athletes, performers, helpers, Chinese, tourists, etc.) are breathing in such small space. How to breathe?
- Olympics doesn’t make sense, mathematically at least. See, Micheal Phelps is one person, and he got 8 gold medals (or 10, I really don’t care). Soccer or volleyball the country sent in 11 or more people, they played like whole week, and got 1 pathetic medal. Why don’t we train all soccer players to swim like Phelps? Unless the guys cant swim, just like David Beckham cant kick a decent ball. The dude is old, let him rest in…Armani underwear and act pretty. After all he’s the one with the pretty face in the marriage. Posh keeps the balls.
- Ready blondie? Let’s do some maths. China has 1.3 bil people, sent 650 athletes, they have 51 gold and 100 medals. That’s 7.8x(10^-9) (Blondies, it’s 3 point 9 multiply by 10 to the power of minus 9) medal per person and 0.078 gold per athlete. US has 300 mil people, sent 660 athletes, they have 36 gold and 100 medals. That’s medal 3.6x(10^-7) per person (Blondie, that’s 50 times more) and 0.055 gold per athletes. So statistically, we can say generally US people are healthier than Chinese. But athlete wise Chinese athletes kick ass. Make sense? (In case you do not think so, here is a formal research for you: “In his “gold medal tally by per million population”, Jamaica was winning with 2.1582 as of Saturday afternoon. The runner-up is Bahrain and Estonia the third. China was 45th, the United States was 31st and Russia 26th.”) oh oh oh and if we count this way, Vietnam has 1 silver medal this year, and we ranked 1 rank above India (which is last in the list) in term of healthy population. In term of athlete we still suck cos India has 1 gold. WTF!
OK, maths make me dizzy. Shall go do serious work.
Guess what? Bimbotic Flamboyant is back in. LOL. I decided to give all of you readers a break. So instead of talking about my depressing personal life, I’ll talk about world politics, global warming, poverty, wars, and other random funny things. Those are so much less depressing than my personal life, don’t you think? (LOL, I know, told ya bimbotic is back in)
So this is my today’s wishlist:
1. A bookmark (Cos I’m reading a book and I have nothing to mark)
2. McCain dies of heart-attack (Or maybe Obama was white, or a woman, or white and a woman. That’d help him. Well, at least he’s Christian. And what’s up with all that religious debate? Are we looking for a new Pope or sth? White smoke, white smoke! But then he’s black. Hmmmm. Is Catholic smoke for Pope racist? I wonder if Obama was a Buddhist, will they mistaken him for Indian? Or sunburnt Chinese? Shit I’m ranting over racist stuffs. I should stop…)
3. It stops raining in Singapore, so my f*^&ing clothes can dry. (I mean wearing a damp shirt is no issue, but damp underwear can be a little… itchy)
4. My nose stops running, so at least I can talk properly. (I mean sometimes the sneezing work as self-censorship like “I *sneezing hate it”).
5. My right foot is NOT smaller than my left foot. (I just measured by my colleague ruler, one is 9 inch, the other is 10. OMG no wonder my shoes never fit right. Damn it why my right things are always smaller than my left things. My eyes, my foot, my leg, my b… nevermind)
This group is hilarious. The same category as Stephen Lynch, they are musicians with comedic songs. It’s a new genre of entertainment. Check this out. It’s totally hilarious
Which, I guess, have been my religion for the past few years. I’m cynical. I distrust in everything that was meant to be beautiful and idealistic in life. Because they fade away, unreal. I tried to trust a lot of people. They failed me. I was searching for directions in the dark, mostly alone, and those who promised to guide me, didn’t. I was hunger to learn, to grow, and instead I’m stagnate and miserable in my own mediocre shell.
You can stop 7 deadly sins all together, to stop being kind, being diligent, being honest, being idealistic, being original, being loyal, and loving others. Maybe then you can find a state of true and eternal bliss, a state of ghostly existence, you and yourself, alone, in this universe full of lies, full of sadness, and madness, and disheartened beings.
2. Or you can choose to keep sinning
“Cynics are more accurate about life, but they tend to be less happy”. Believe me I tried. I tried so hard to not commit any of the above sins. But I’m human. I’m not some animal to be unkind to others. I have a life, a family, and a vision, so I cant stop working hard towards that. I have been true and brutally honest all my life. It’s in my blood I cant stop speaking out, loudly, the truth. My ideals and my originality defines where I’m heading to in my life. I was lost at certain time. I didn’t know what they were. But to give up on the idea of finding and fulfilling my ideals in my own way, it’s giving up on living itself. And love, needless to say, no matter how much I reject love, deep within, I’m longing for it. I’m ready to love and be loved. “If falling in love is tragic, then give me tragedy”.
The fact is during the past few months i tumbled upon myself, upon the realizations that sometimes others expect things from me without respecting my wishes. I realized the painful fact that no matter how much I tried, I cant change the world my idealistic way. I got discouraged. I got disheartened. I chose to give up, to give up on fighting for what is right, what is true, what is mine. And it hurts, a lot. Also to find out the one of my loved ones would betray me, would lie to me, would again and again choose to hurt me; it was painful to overcome. I felt all alone over here, in a country full of strangers, of failed promises and a darkened unclear future.
But me being myself, it’s time to stop whining and stand up. I’m making changes. I’m making amendments. I’m letting hurtful people and hurtful thoughts go. The flu on Friday and the MC was a much needed rest for me to re-collect myself. I’m launching my new website in a week time. I’m making new business plans. I’m doing new exciting projects. I’m getting love and care packages from far and away. I’m trying to put things together once more.
I do not need your prayers, because I’m not a man of faith. I do not need your promises, because I do not want to be disappointed again. If you do care for me, pat me on my shoulder and encourage me to move on with my life. If you do want to see me rising from my asses, be here for me.
If not, it’s ok. I’m too used to being alone. I’m gonna make it happen. And even though I might go through hell for keep toying with the 7 deadly sins that are so firmly proven by every fact of my life. I’m ready for it. I’m ready to burn to sacrifice for what is true, what is right. As Buddha said “If I didn’t go to hell, who would?”
Since I’m watching “The Tudors” (A great show about King Henry VIII reign), a question arises. “Do we serve our king and kingdom wholeheartedly if the king is proven to be unkind, unfaithful to his promises and unappreciative of true and wise words?”
I do have a commitment problem. During my University days I always argued with the head of my committee, sometimes even the Hall President. If I cant get my point across I’ll quit. Some treat it as disloyal. But isn’t funny because the heart of loyalty is to wish for what is best for the group itself? Apparently I’m not very good at group thinking. And definitely lousy at taking orders blindly.
I’m the man of reasons. I have no faith. And when you equate loyalty with faith, you are being unreasonable. You cant ask for a man to continue to serve you devotedly when you repeatedly broke your promises, broke his spirit and failed to guide him, as the great leader of all, the king. You cant demand for trust and respect when you did not earn them, but merely use your high position to force them. To follow blindly and to obey without question, without demands, is not loyalty. In fact it is not even faith. It’s stupidity.
Ask me I should know. I always tried to keep my words. So 3 times I was left stranded with no roommates, no house to stay. A lot more I was left with doing my projects alone. Some lies to my face. Some hates me behind my back. Some quit the committee I headed, in the darkest time. Are they disloyal? I’m at no position to judge.
I just know NO MAN should sacrifice his true and great ambition, wealth, and comfort for the sake of others, be it their kings, or their true friends.
That’s the core quality of life that I strongly believe in.
I spent most of my time watching shows, or reading arts. Although I have to admit I’m not that original myself, but I truly truly honor and treasure originality.
As a designer a lot of time I wish to be original, you know, stay to my own vision. But life is not all about Arts. In fact, it’s not about that at all. It’s all about the money. You can come up with something beautiful and engaging but if it doesn’t sell it does not matter, at all.
I still remember my design lecturer in NUS said “It’s not copying if it sells”. And it’s actually true. Sometimes I do feel that there’s a better way to do thing, a better typeface to use, or hell the thing people suggested was just downright ugly. We had to do it anyway.
I guess that’s why I’m giving up in design, at least commercially. I’ll never make any money being an artist. And if I make money then I’m not really an artist. LOL. I’m talking nonsensible shit here.
Even the wish to be original itself is not really original. Like “The Tudors” series were supposed to be original program and it is based on history. Like “Dexter” is so original but it is based on a book.
OK, I was down with flu so I had the whole day off. I slept for the most part of it but I kinda had this kinda visions the whole time. So, I’ll do something I never did before: Complete the whole chapter tonight. This chapter is kinda like a season in a TV series to me. So well, here it goes…
Ideally, we all will have a beautiful childhood. Beautiful face, perfect parents, a loving home. We go to the school we like, do the things we like, study the best we can. Ideally, we graduated highschool, with our first puppy love that would last forever but everyone move on. Ideally, we find a job we love and just work very hard with our heart and soul without paying attention to unnecessary dramas and politics. Ideally, we met someone on the train, fell in love, get married, have beautiful children. The children grow up and have beautiful faces, perfect parents, and a loving home. We grow old in our beach house and live happily ever after.
Come on.
That’s what i knew you’d say. We all know the world we have today. There is no such thing. But that was the kind of world I imagined it would be when I was, say, 10 (just to hide the fact that I still believe in such world now). I know I’m not that child anymore.
When I was 10 I wanted to be an architect, so “I can draw the world according to my imagination”. Childish. When I was in college I thought “I want to be a media man whose designs will be seen and make impacts throughout the world”. Stupid. When I graduated I just thought “Maybe make the best of my 3-5 years in Singapore and have a happy life”. Insanity.
Look at where I am now. Ideally, things would have been better. But I’m a complete failure and disappointment.
That’s life. The more idealistic you are, the harsher reality will slap in your face.
Well, it works in the sutra, and in bible, but in real life it doesn’t really work.
Nothing sucks worst in real life like honesty. The lies always float on top of everything else and remains. The snakes are always the dominator in the garden of Eden.
In front of you people say such nice things, wonderful things, promising things. Behind you they just go straight to their higher ups and complain about you. You tried to do the best you can and be as honest as you can. In the end they just lie straight in your face.
I remember a lot of time someone told me “Even if they stab you, just remain silent and take the high road.” Of course me being me I did not do that. I clarified. I spoke the truth, loud and clear. So I guess my future relationship with them is close to 0.
I could just shut up and do what people say. But no, I have to stand up and tell people how non-sensible they are. I could go along and ride with the lies. But no, I have to be true to the best I could and be as loud as I could. Heroic? No. Pathetic.
Honesty didn’t do so well in the friends department either. And a lot of time I tried to be as honest as I can to the friends I treasure, and it all turned out I’d lose them for that honesty. LOL. Sucks isn’t it.
Just like detergent, the more condensed and powerful you are, the less you mixed well with others.
Well, work hard. In fact, spend your entire life contributing to the non-stop machine of corporate capitalism and winning the rat race. Right? Right? WRONG. All you need is a little of kok-talking, a lot of bull shitting, way over promising without realizing, and you’ll be up there pissing away people’s hard work and dedication. Seriously.
Look at me. I’m a workaholic. Or at least I used to be. Look at where I am now. I worked so very hard for this thing I called ‘Idealism’ (Sin 4, more on it later when I’m in the mood). The thing is I had too much ‘Honesty’ (Sin 3) so I keep pissing off people. I’m all about possibilities and change and they told me flat out on my face “This is how it is done. No question asked.” I used to suggest a lot of ideas and innovations and feedbacks but eventually I realized either I ended up doing a lot more than I’m supposed to without people realizing it or I got rejected straight in my face. Both are equally painful.
And not just talking about work here. The same in life. If I work too hard on a friendship, I’m clingy. If I do not bother, I’m a cold and heartless bitch. If I help they will ask for more help. If I don’t, I’m a cold and heartless bitch. Either way I’m their bitch. LOL.
Don’t you dare say I’m not hard working. I might not be sitting at my desk 10-12 hours a day, or spending time with you like 4-5 times a week, but I care enough to finish that extra thing last minute, or to reply your call at 1 am in the morning.
It’s just, eventually I get tired of sinning and being punished for trying the best I could to strive forward in a backward life.
This is one of my most favorite female singer of all time: The powerful Idina Menzel. Check out her latest song. I totally love this (You do realize I have this weird crush for female artists that are not wildly sluttily popular like Fergie or Stephanie No doubt or watever her name is or that Pussy (cat) girl, don’t you? I tend to feel more for the vocal range and the deep lyrics :p).
When you ask me, who I am:
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.
‘Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.
And I don’t know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
Will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
These tiny legacies.
I don’t try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?
‘Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.
With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can’t see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd
‘Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
‘Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.
Those who are kind, die. Like Romeo and Juliet, or John Kennedy, or Princess Diana, or Jesus. Anyway I’m digressing.
I did my best to exercise my kindness for the day. I helped my old friend edit her application essay for a master program. I helped my ex-roomie to design a simple ads. I helped our intern out with IT stuffs. I drew some cute things to cheer my colleague up. I taught my junior staffs some programming. I smiled at the lady at the counter of the supermarket. I burned 2 CD of music for our company’s restaurant.
Let me tell you this, being kind…sucks. LOL. Not that I do not love being nice and smiley and all, but it’s not really me. You know, if I have a wish I wish I had 72 hours a day, 24 hours for my daily routine, 24 to be an artist and 24 to be a bitch. And people tend to take kind people for granted. It’s this kind of feeling that is mixed with pride for helping people, also a bit of a loser for being taken for granted.
A lot of people say I’m a great guy (No kidding. I know, WTH is wrong with all of them?). Somehow it feels both nice and stupid at the same time. Sometimes people expect too much and when it turned out I’m not that great, they got disappointed. They expect me to be this kind of guy who stands up and lead people of some sort. I mean I do have this natural tendency to lead people, but it doesn’t mean I’m good at it all the times. And it’s really strange when people expect so much from me for being nice, but they forgot to be nice and keep their promise to me. Strange isnt it? Told ya, being good sucks ass.
Anyway I’m just whining (as usual). These days I have this kinda naggy feeling that I’m going backwards. Too often I struggle between living with my principles and being kind. Very often I choose to be an ass and stick to my principles. Sometimes I have too many of them. But I’m proud of it.
So please, don’t call me kind, because it’s a huge insult to kindness.
Hush, listen!
Do you heat that?
The sound of silence
Resounding
Surrounding us
Drowning everything in darkness.
Hush, listen
The sound of silence
Of a past that is unspoken
Of you, and me, and the endless nights we were together
I didn’t cry then
But you said, in silence, “everything is gonna be okay”
Listen, to the sound of silence
Silently I miss you, and I miss us
I miss the time when everything was so simple
Uncomplicated
Love that was, love that always will be
The line between delusion and illusion blurs
By silence…
Silence
Like the lie told you me
When you said it was me
And everything was meant to be
The silence you kept, the shattering sound of a heart break.
A comet crashed
An ocean dried
A baby cry
Silence
Hush, listen!
Do you hear that?
The sound of silence…
It’s been quite a while since I last wrote something close to, say, a poem or a verse. I guess I was too busy being practical I cant be poetic. Or many because I have painting therapy. I’m not that romantic boy who wrote books of poems (like I did in highschool) anymore. But today, sitting in silence, I was inspired. And I thought I’d write something down.
Silence is my worst fear of all time. And I guess I wrote something about it. It’s not directly related to how I feel now, but it’s sort of like why I always fear of silence. So well, I hope you like that.
The accompany song is called “Kindly Unspoken” by Kate Voegele, a new up and coming amazing artist. Her songs ave so much souls in them. Get a CD if you can
I spent more than 2 hours on the bus today. Well, sitting in a bus, staring blankly outside at the streets and the people kinda stir your emotions. I am an emo person. No matter how much or how well I hide it, I forever will be one. I don’t want to deny it or forget it, because life is full of moments like these and you don’t want to let it go.
3 years ago I was sitting in a bus, beginning of August. I had barely finished my second year of school and a local internship. I was in love with this amazing girl, who is kind, and smart, and beautiful, and understanding. I thought she was the one I could spend my life with. I hadn’t talked to her for a while and I really missed her. I was struggling with school, and activities, and a betrayal of a dear friend. Then we broke up. At that moment I never thought I could go through it. I never thought I would be loved again.
2 years ago I was sitting in a bus, ending of October. It was the end of summer in the US. I was working on a full time internship and a part time study at Penn. Fall was there with its vibrant colors of the last flame before the death of winter came. It was cold. I was working on a secret video for my friends, to celebrate the year we had spent together. I was struggling with school, projects, work, design, and the betrayal of dear friends. I didn’t know why I did react so strongly. Perhaps I was jealous of them, for living their lives without apologies, or even convention moral boundaries. And I was sad because it was all coming to an end. At that moment I never thought I could go through it. I never thought I would be back again.
A year ago I was sitting in a bus, beginning of November. I was rushing my final year thesis. My house is far from school and I took the 11pm bus almost everyday. I had a few fleeting moments of falling for my very good friend. I was struggling with school, with looking for a job, work, with being kicked out of the house, with the betrayal of a loved friend. At that moment I never thought I could go through it. I never thought I would be whole again.
Today I am sitting in a bus. I’m 23. I work hard to change the world but the world refuse to see me for who I am and to be changed. I love my families, the ones here, the ones in US, and the ones in Vietnam. And I’m miles apart from each and everyone of them. I lost touch with my best friends. I lost touch with myself and the person I always wanted to be. I’m struggling with keeping my 3 most important thing: originality, integrity, and friendship. I’m struggling with work, design, with being all alone, with a betrayal of a dear friend. Yesterday I thought I could never go through it.
I don’t want to waste an more time for what would have been, what was. I want to focus on what is and what will be. So maybe a year from now I can be sitting in a bus to go to sign a contract for my design firm. So maybe 2 years from now I can be sitting in a bus with my family to go tour around their favorite country. So maybe 3 years from now I can be sitting in a bus going to University in Boston for my MBA, thinking of dinner at my apartment in Provincetown with my dearest friend.
I never thought I would go through a lot of things. But fact is, I went through them alright. Hurt and struggles are part of the process of growing up, of changing, or progressing.
I did the painting in 2 hours. I just felt that I had to speak it out in a painting before I drive myself insane. That’s what I’ve been doing whole day, standing on the verge of sanity and insanity, stopping myself from going insane.
The sane thing to do was to stop complaining, start picking my pieces together, and plan on a perfect exit strategy. The insane thing to do is to fuck all of them with my courageous impulses and to stand for what I believe. Instead what I did was just to sit there watching the time goes by and being irritated.
The sane thing to do was to let it go, forget about a friend who would never care the way I do, who would never face the truth the way they could. The insane thing to do was to call them, to tell them “I know”, was to peel off their masks of hypocrisy and self-denial. Instead I’m sitting there, staring at MSN, feeling helpless and angry.
The sane thing to do is to live my life, to be happy with the new specs, new shoes, and new watch I’m gonna get. The insane thing to do is to just fucking kill myself. Instead I’m in this middle of nowhere state, restless, floating in thin air, seeing everything as deluded shadows of ghosts, of desires and expectations.
Tired. Maybe I didn’t sleep enough. I’m not insane, really, ok, maybe a bit. So i rushed home and started painting. I’ve rarely been like that, trance, angst, anxiety, madness, sadness, disappointment, etc. It seems every stroke makes so much sense to me.
Cynic = Someone who sees only the negatives of life, who expects only the worst, the ruthless to come out of things. Someone who sees life for what it is beyond colorful words and beautiful delusions
Hypocrite = Someone who say, do, preach things that even they themselves KNOW that was inaccurate and faulty. Someone who behaves opposite to what they believe or stand for. Someone who creates colorful words and beautiful delusions
Sadly for Singapore, as one of the most economic developed countries in Asia with a deep-routed Asian culture, we are stuck somewhere in between Western Cynicism and Eastern Hypocrisy (OK, before you send me hatemail, hear me out).
Singaporeans grew up and live everyday in a highly competitive society. If you stop working hard and you stop moving on you are dead. You are no longer the elite, the social acceptable. We rank employee’s salary and treat people’s based on their social standard, based on their degree or diploma, even on their skin color. That in itself is cynical. Yet, the city named itself “City of Possibility”, we see messages of harmony everywhere, we hear things like “we are one family” in every work place, we keep seeing minorities being ruled out of society, pushed into dark corners of life as we hear more and more about diversity and acceptance, we keep getting promises of good fast quality service at more ERPs and more taxes, that in itself, my dear, is hypocrisy.
As a (self-proclaimed) cynic, I had to face hypocrisy everyday in my life. I hate it, but I had to live with it. Until a state that my cynic became totally upset, he switched me into the third state: senselessly idle… I don’t care anymore. I stop moving… And I’m not crazy, because a lot of my friends are experiencing the same thing. Weiwei was totally like upset today, the state I was a few months back, but well, I just stare blankly at him and said “Get used to it, my friend”. As Jeannie has so beautifully said “It’s just a Singaporean thing”.
I got cynical until a point that I want to prove everyone else to be a hypocrite. I spent 2 hours searching online to prove one of my friend is (It’s a guy I met in Uni, an activist with a loud and firm voice and an endless desire to “change” Singapore, a little bit of a know-it-all, that’s why a lot of people dislike him). Instead I found out another friend (who happened to be someone very near and dear to me) to be a hypocrite. That moment was the most fucked up surprise I ever had in years. Disappointed I thought I would stop, but I carried on. And what I found on the original friend made me find one thing again.
Faith. I realized the friend I was trying so hard to prove to be a hypocrite has a profound integrity and an unwavering voice that will NOT be silent. I salute you, Sam-wise. And then I realize just like me, he’s a cynic. It’s just that he’s so much stronger, smarter and braver that he can actually stands up for himself and the people that are being treated unequally.
I’m ranting a little bit down here. It’s just, it’s been a really long day. And somehow after watching a show I got reminded of how idealistic, how strong and brave i used to be when it comes to life. I look at myself now and I can tell the different. Cynicism grows like cancer within me. Everyday life makes me tougher and colder and more disheartened. And with one of my close friends being the biggest hypocrites I’ve met, it’s gonna just go downhill from there…
Sigh… in this battle, the Hypocrites won by the number.
This is an old song that I loved, but it says how I feel right now. Basically it just said “I am who I am, perfectly flawed. I just want simple things in my life. Deal with it, bitches!”
I never promised you a ray of light
I never promised there’d be sunshine every day
I’ll give you everything I have
The good, the bad
Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below
So help me down you’ve got it wrong
I don’t belong there
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I’ll fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
So pull me from that pedestal
I don’t belong there
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
Like to think that you know me
But in your eyes
I am something above me
That’s only in your mind
Only in your mind
I wear a, I wear a, I wear a Halo
One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me
And I, I just want to love you
Oh I, I just want to love you
(I just wanna love you)
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo
It’s the word that my friend used to talk about someone who is firm, who can stands up for himself and who can stand strong no matter how determined others want to take him down. I think I’m becoming one of those.
Rough day at work as usual. Had 2 meetings and I had to sort of fence off certain assumptions about the kind of work we did. I was able to remain calm and yet incredibly firm on my stand. I guess I’m getting better at playing this game too. People are looking at me differently, a mix of respect and fear for the kind of integrity and toughness I have. I have changed.
I should be feeling happy I sort of won the deal, but I do not. It’s just feel wasting of time… I want a place where I can do my best, produce the best work and get recognized, not playing politics and acting rough. Apparently such work place is not possible in Singapore (according to my colleague). I’m really very sick of it all.
I’m tired of being “mountain”. All my life I have to struggle, to make choices, to work the way out on my own. I just wish for once I could be rescued. For once someone will stand up for me, will protect me, will plan for me, someone who is genuine, true and honest (OK I’m sounding like a woman looking for husband now). I’m just tired and sick of it all.
I know I’m loved and I know I’m not alone, but living here certainly make you feel so. I have no friend, no family, no one to talk to when I need to talk. A pat on the shoulder or a hug sometimes are too much to ask for.
I’m human. I’m not perfect. And I’m not sme kind of mountain. I just have to put up that front to survive this place.
And I cant help but wonder, will my life ever be easy?
It’s the kind of feeling when you are in a vast space without familiar landscapes, you know you need to get somewhere, but you don’t know where you are and which way you should go. It’s scary and tiring.
It’s a Monday. I think it’s generally unfair when I tag a “horrible” tag to every Monday. It was a typical Monday. Emails. Work. Bitches. Lies. Lunatics. LOL. Just like that. Somehow it fits into a perfect routine of slow motion and unnamed frustrations. We are like little ants crushed under the pressure of a HUGE piece of rice, our paychecks. LOL.
My pen tablet came. Now I can draw again. Thank goodness I saw it online. So I only need 60 bucks to get my tablet working again (a new tablet of the same size will cost me like $400, and I’m already dirt broke). I was happy when it came of course. I just felt kinda…sianz when I had to use my own money to buy it. Someone promised to get one good tablet for me if I did well in a job. I kept my part of the deal and he never did. I mean I tend to give people benefits of doubts, but after a repeatedly few times that they forget there promises, it just became lies to me. I mean I didn’t expect it or ask for it, but if you promise something, you keep it. That’s just my principle of living. And he knew when my tablet spoilt and I stopped using it. So, oh well… A lot of my friends would say it’s Singapore culture, people don’t keep their promises. I’d say it’s bullshit. I know Singaporean who die die will keep their promises. And it’s not because it’s the norm and it’s wrong for everyone that you accept it when it happened. I’m all about change. If I get slightly darker than now I’d be the next Obama.
A lot of people are saying how good of a job I did here and there. Some asked me to help them do freelance things. Sometimes I do doubt myself “Am I that good?”. If I really am, why are people at wok not seeing it? Why am I not at the same place a lot of my friends are? Is it just plain flattering or I’m in some sort of delusion? I just feel stagnate. As if I really want to go further and faster and all I have been doing is going slower and more lost.
I argued with my best friend when she called and told me she felt like breaking up with boyfriend (like for the 4th time on the same guy). I just felt taken for granted. I tried to be there for her every way that I can, be it 12am or 2am. I did the best I could. And she only came to me when she has boyfriend’s problem. She was supposed to call me and then she “forgets”. I told her I’m just tired of being her convenient friend, and does she know the kinda struggles I went through lately. The title of best friend do come with expectations and certain commitment (So yes, fuck you if you are thinking I’m asking too much from a person I thought was my best friend. This is not for her, for another person whom I thought was my best friend). I’m just so sick of it. Being nice and all. I’m not nice, or kind. I’m human. So I’m allowed to have a little need of emotion connection sometimes.
I feel lost. I feel like I’m no longer the person that I was or I am supposed to be. But then again I lost track of who I should be too.
I was aiming to have every part of this chapter to have one word title, but screw that, I’m too creative to follow a routine. On the other hand, this feels like 3 posts put together so it’s ok.
Anyway Happy Birthday 43th Singapore. Remember age is just a number and you are still much younger than your PM, President and MM (LOL). I actually watch the NDP this year. It was raining and the march and dance was a bit off synchro, but hey, not everywhere can be like Beijing Olympic. Really love the last flags dance and the female singer next to Hardi Miza. And I actually wear a white shirt with red decoration so I’m get I’m so Singaporean.
I went to Adrian house for a Chestnut gathering. Of course us being us, only me, Weijia, Cat (Alvin built in) turned up. Steph (our friend) joined too, which was really nice. We had the gathering Chestnutties style: cook, eat, eat so much until cannot continue to eat, have lots of booze, drink Florida Orange Juice, play cards, and bitch about live TV shows (Btw, great 2 new shows from Channel 5: Calefare and First Class. It’s a much improve from previous comedies from 5. There were really funny moments, even though some are still pretty cliche but the rest are very unpredictable and original). Adrian taught me to play poker cards and guess what, I won a lot of (fake) money. Vegas next baby, Vegas!!! I had a really great time. Thanks a lot for coming guys. And thanks a lot Adrian for opening up your place for us. I love Chestnutties.
Things have changed isn’t it? So many couples break ups. 2 couples are getting married. So many different jobs, and lives, and plans altogether. We have grown haven’t we? But if you ask me I still miss that tiny level 3 apartment, my tiny double cum living room, the kitchen with our little rat Brian, the ONLY toilet, the drunk nights, the cold winter days when we stuff snow in each other’s face, the road trips, the fights, the school projects, etc. Every single thing. You guys said my video was the best ever made because it kept being played for the past 2.5 years. It was the best because it was made with the best cast, the Chestnutties.
On that note I just want to use the last part of this post to thank certain people. At the risk of sounding like a 12 year old girl or a 30 year old lesbians, I love presents. Not necessarily material objects. Sometimes small things mean a lot to me. Like Thursday when I got a pack of Panadol from my colleague. I have a lot of migraine lately (having one right now, must be the beer). It was really nice and thoughtful of her to give me medicine when I’m in pain. Or like Friday when I got a tiny souvenir from the FLOAT, for the memory sake. Or like when my friend bought me a pair of new shoes even if the shoes were on my wishlist for more than 8 months and I totally forgot about it. Like when my friend wrote me a verse and dedicate a song for me. I always wrote stuffs, paint stuffs, do stuffs for people and about people. This is the second time I have something made and written from someone else just for me (first time is Q, of course). So yes, I love presents, and one of it is the most precious present: The present. I love everything I have right now.
So there go. I might not be at the best place I want to be with my life at this age. But I’m at the best place I could be, and I’m happy with that.
Happy birthday Singapore. Happy anniversary Reunion Chesnutties. And thank you all for the presents
Since FLOAT is a huge part of my life and I have spent the past 24 hours for it, I shall dedicate this post once more about it.
For the benefit of those who don’t know what the fuck Float is, Float is NUS annual competition where the students use recycled materials to build 14-footer lorry size Arts exhibition (coupled with a mechanism and dance performance). Sounds fun? I’ve been joining in 2.5 competitions and been helping out here and there as seniors mostly.
I came back Hall at about 11pm while it was raining on Thursday. I was hesitating about coming back, but I guess it was fated in a sense that I have one day off from work. So I took the whole day off, and spent the night in hall helping them. To my pleasant surprise, I’m still of some use. I got the honor to attach the last piece of prop onto the Float (cos not everyone is confident with metal wire construction). I also got to body paint the lead dancer. And I helped finish one piece of costume for the display. It’s sort of like “Project Runway” moment when I have minimal materials and 2 hours to finish a piece to walk down the runway. Check out the result in my facebook later ok.
I had a really great day. I met a lot of Float seniors (they first sentence is all “You got FAT!”) and I got to relive the passion that engulfed me for the past few years. I had a great time watching the new standards of FLOAT too. So many new skills, so many new design. It’s really a festival of the creative minds.
I got a lot of nice pictures. There were a few moments when they were down and crying, and I took those. I felt bad for taking advantage of the moment for great pictures. But I bet these real emotions moments are hard to get in real life. I’m sure they will appreciate them.
And it was a really pleasure for me to see how much my hall has improved. We didn’t win any thing today simply because there’s only ONE best winner in every category and there is really better people in certain category. But they did the best job they could and it is really wonderful job. It’s really creative. I’m really proud of them.
So I’m totally tired (never slept for a night and standing under the sun for like 12 hours straight). I got a slight fever. My shit skin (as called by my beloved colleagues) just got burned even more. And I’m reminiscing myself in nostalgia again. But I’m glad I went. I did my tiny little part to help as a senior. And in return I relived my passion and a part of my past that will never be lost.
OK so if you are into politics (Who isn’t?) and Paris Hilton (who isn’t?) you will find this utterly funny.
So John McCain, the damn old white hair dude made fun of Barrack Obama using…Paris Hilton as a link. Damn, not only he made fun of a black dude, he made fun of a big boobs massive celebrity blond. So here is the original ad and her response. I’m kinda glad Britney Spears didn’t respond, cos if she does and I have to see more of her (haven’t we all SEEN enough?) I’d wipe out the US blond population (but then maybe I’ll leave Paris alive cos she’s getting slightly funnier).
I have very strong instincts. Sometimes it might not be good ones, but I have really strong ones. I guess it’s just for survival. Sometimes it’s just being who I am as a person.
One of my colleagues has a new born baby. So we all came down to the hospital to see the baby. He is so cute!!! I got to carry him twice. I’m kinda a pro at it. Everyone was sort of scared to hold a baby for the first time. I was like “Me! Me!”. As I carried the baby I told him “Hey there little thing, you are sooo cute! Can I eat you?”. Lol. I carried my brother when he was tiny too. Life is a miracle. And I guess I just have strong father instinct. I guess I should just adopt a kid. You do not need a bitch to produce a puppy, if you know what I mean.
I had a meeting (ok, 2) for a project. And although I have been having a lot of tough time with this project, somehow, instinctively, I just did the best I could for it. I spent hours helping the users to figure things out. I guess it’s just me. No matter what I say, I have low tolerance for mediocrity.
I fought with my colleagues too, for another project. Not really fighting, more of debating. But I had a point and I stood by it. That’s who I am. I have instinct of a wolf, I guess. I stay quiet and low in the shadow, but if you get too near to me, I’ll bite.
To be a wolf means you have to survive alone too. And I am kinda used to it. I had like terrible terrible migraine for the past 3 days. Brain tumor I guess. Old problem. And I realized there is no point talking about it to anyone (ok the attention whore in me put it on MSN, but well, the response was expected). People who do not care will not read my MSN. People who cares I just make them worried. So I should just suffer in silence. I do not mind loneliness, as long as I’m strong. It works fine like it is, although I have good friends that I really treasure.
OK, to save this post from being marked under “Depressed” category, I shall add on one instinct from me you all love “The ability to be scandalous everywhere with anyone”. I do think I have this thing for engaged women and straight attached guys, though. LOL. Totally have so many scandals with people in this category. Die liao… Don’t judge me. I’m not bad, I’m just…slutty
Oh, and ONE instinct I do not have: The ability to control my finance. Totally blew my budget this month on suits, specs, watch, shoes, Abercrombie & Bitch and all other unnecessary expenses. Bad Pacey bad! No lunch for a month!!!
Oh oh, and I do have 1 instinct you all hate: I talk too much and blog too long…
In the mood of dying. So I guess I leave this will song with you guys. It’s a really lovely celtic song. It’s kinda Christian funeral song, but well, music should be religion-free, right? Right?
Take the wave now and know that you’re free,
Turn your back on the land face the sea,
Face the wind now so wild and so strong,
When you think of me,
Wave to me and send me a song.
Don’t look back when you reach the new shore,
Don’t forget what you’re leaving me for,
Don’t forget when you’re missing me so,
Love must never hold,
Never hold tight but let go.
Oh the nights will be long,
When I’m not in your arms,
But I’ll be in your song, That you sing to me, across the sea.
Somehow, someday, you will be far away,
So far from me and maybe one day,
I will follow you,
And all you do,
‘Til then, send me a song.
When the sun sets the water on fire,
When the wind swells the sails of your hire,
Let the call of the bird on the wind,
Calm your sadness and loneliness,
And then start to sing to me,
I will sing to you,
If you promise to send me a song.
I walk by the shore and I hear,
Hear your song come so faint,
And so clear,
And I catch it, a breath on the wind,
And I smile and I sing you a song,
I will send you a song…
I will sing you a song,
I will sing to you…
If you promise to send me a song.
I was having a typical Saturday (washing, drying, cleaning, ironing) and my Vietnamese highschool friend called. He met our old teacher by chance as they are touring and so he decided to hold a last minute gathering. Of course this being Singapore only 3 of u turned up, but I had a fun night.
You know what the funny thing is? We told stories from way back then. 2000. 8 years. Has it been that long? I almost forgot I used to be this skinny tall guy, like, really really skinny. My friend were like “These days you look round round. So cute!”. I was really nerdy and yet very very loud. I used to write poems about love and friendship and life (These days I just bitch about it, in English). I used to be this hopeless romantic guy singing under a girl’s window at 10pm (I know, how lame!). We told these funny moments, of course only about 75% accurate given our aging memory. It was really funny how incredibly stupid I was as a kid.
Sometimes in life we are too buy living in the now and looking forward to the future we actually forgot we have a past. It’s been so long since I last peeked into that horrible part of my life I almost forgot I ACTUALLY lived through them. Everything seems to be so far.
I got an invitation to go back to KE Hall for a FLOAT sneak peek preview performance. I’m kinda torn whether I should go. The hall is EXTREMELY out of the way, like, in the middle of a jungle. And these days I kinda feel intimidated meeting my master, PhD, doctors, lawyers, bankers well paid friends. Somehow attached, marriage and salary will come up. And I’m at no where in those departments. But mostly because KE and FLOAT were such a huge part of my past that I’m afraid to reminisce. It was so hard to move away from there. It took me so long to move on. So I’m skeptical about going back.
Am I this cold hearltess bitch that doesn’t care about my origin and past? I think so. It’s just that I used to be this guy that lived in the past too much I was unable to move on. I was that guy who kept going back to the same persons, the same places.
The past is beautiful the way they were, perfectly flawed. It helped me grow and kept me strong. But I built a stone wall between my past and my present, and if I take one brick down the whole thing is gonna collapse.
I made lots of mistakes in my past. I loved and hurt a lot of people in my past. However, if you ask me, I would really want everything to happen again exactly the way it did. I would want to hurt and get hurt exactly the way I did. Because, at least, then, I could “feel” something, like, being alive.
If you live in a heavily Chinese-influenced environment like Singapore you would know this month is supposed to be the ghosts month. So hell was supposed to open its gate to release the spirits for the month so they can come back for a visit. It’s not Buddhist belief, it’s really traditional Chinese belief.
Sometimes I just thought we do walk through life like a ghost, waiting for a chance to break free, to get a celebration like this month.
Daddy is alright. He’s walking around and reading newspaper now. Today is his 50th birthday and he got to spend it at the hospital. Mom said they found 4 tumors in his neck, the big one and 3 other small ones. So it was kinda a serious operation. But he’s alright now, that’s all that matters. The doctors said he needed to spend another week or so in the hospital, and he’ll be fine.
Work is well, work. It feels strange to slow myself to match others people’s working pace. I think I’m just too insanely fast paced it’s scary for me to be so slow. But I guess it’s a choice I made and I should stick with it. I also am learning to say no to people. It’s not healthy to accept everything people ask you to do and stress out of your fucking mind thinking it’s your fault you cant do it all.
Dishearten is a process of life. Sometimes you tumble through and realize no matter how hard you try, no one will get you. It makes no sense to fight no more. When you keep banging your head against walls and starting to bleed. Keep banging is not heroic, it’s stupidity. I guess the same applies for love.
My friend is having a hard time. And as much as I would love to stand by her, I spoke the truth. She spoke the hurtful truth to me when I was in my darkest time and I used to hate her for that. But that woke me up and taught me about life. So I wish I did the same for her.
I read in some lame magazine that I represent darkness. Whenever I appear in a room I tend to steal the attentions and panic people. I guess that what I want to be. I want to be great. I want to be noticed. I want to be recognized for the incredibly effort I put into living.
Instead I’m a ghost. I’m walking through life alone. I’m walking through life lying to my parents I feel goof and feel fine and I’m so happy, damn I lied about my salary and loan. I’m walking through life as an unnoticed worker who just work 9 hour a day and leave exactly the time the clock strikes 6. I’m walking through life as a convenient friend people turns to when they hungry for consolation, for kindness, for help. I’m working through life as a hollow shadow of myself and the person I wanted to be.
And everything in this life is paper materials…that will go into the fire in the month of ghosts…
I’m grateful in every way I can. Truly truly grateful.
My dad’s operation was today. And during that time I was having a meeting with a client. It was the closing of a project. I was glad I got it and I finished it. It says something of weight and values to me.
My dad is ok now. They removed the tumor successfully. He is in recovery room right now. Mom was nagging on the phone. He was loud and so busy making people of the operation areas laugh (I wonder where he got that from?) that the nurses had complained to my mom. He’s a great guy. Simple, not that well-educated and yet has an incredibly big and welcoming heart. He worked so hard all his life. I am where I am now because of him. So know, as much of a cynic and bitter person I am, I’m praying every moment I could for him.
I took a lot of things for granted in my life. Dad is one of them. Eating vegetarian reminds me one thing constantly. It’s so easy to get food, variety and all. But each meal as a vegetarian reminds me of the joy of being alive, of being able to make choices, and being able to celebrate. It’s my way of showing people I have not appreciated I love them and each meal, my prayers and thanks go to them. You praise your god for giving you graceful food. I praised my parents for giving me the ability to put food on my table.
I’m thankful for my friends, who are wonderful. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your love.
I decided to quit my online game. It pained me a lot because I made lots of wonderful friends there. They were so sad. They cried and all. I gave away all my possessions in the game (tell you they are great possessions). It’s about time. I need to focus on work, on arts and design. I need to focus on turning my life to the one I truly wish for. So I had one last fun with them. I ran around our game world and…PEE on every guild’s territory. The guys joined me and we sort of had this fun parades around the world. Then we came back home and kissed our homeland. And I kissed the gate of my guild goodbye. I’m gonna miss them. But it’s time. Goodbye is best said when people are still loving each other.
Blessed are the truly loved. No matter the distance. No matter real or virtual. No matter the age, or gender, or background, or language. I’m loved throughout the world. And even if I’m alone in my room, I feel all that love. So I’m grateful. Truly t
As an image of Olympism, Coubertin thought the rings had deep significance: that of the union between men. He multiplied the image to create a total of five rings
